


Divine Agony

by ID_Locke



Category: Original Work
Genre: Created Species, Divine Worship World, FtM morph, Gender Identity, M/M, Other, god of pain & sorrow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:29:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29631885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ID_Locke/pseuds/ID_Locke
Summary: Vasyl is a typical Buthydana shepherd doing her job when Dana honey slavers raid her nest, capturing many of her people to milk their venom for sale in the drug trade. With the breeding population of her nest devastated by the loss of so many males, Vasyl sees it as her duty to her nest to morph from sterile rilli to fertile male. Aside from breeding duties several times a year, life would mostly stay the same, wouldn't it?The morph is excruciating and Vasyl prays to the God of Pain for help to endure the agony. Prayers are answered but not in the way Vasyl anticipated and that's not necessarily a bad thing at all.
Relationships: Wae-Lan/Vasyl
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is Vasyl's backstory and it is part of my Divine Worship World. It is my intention to write the full story of Vasyl/Wae-Lan/Macian's relationship but I have other projects (like a lot of them) ahead in the queue. I'm not sure as of the time of posting this if I'll write Macian's backstory, too, since you'll get a good bit of it in the beginning part of their story. Poke me if you want it and maybe it'll happen.
> 
> I do have all three of these guys as BJD's and if people want to see them to better picture what they look like, I can try to figure out how to post a link to photos of them. I'm obviously wildly biased but I think they're gorgeous and my descriptions don't fully capture the beauty of them.

** Chapter 1 **

After a week in the meadows and fields around my home nest tending to one of the communal herds of wanaku, I was looking forward to civilization. It was beautiful and idyllic out in the mountain fields and generally I liked my job as shepherd. Except when it was early summer like now and every biting insect in the world seemed determined to take a chomp out of me. I swore lowly and slapped at another irritating bug that felt my arm was the perfect place to go for its next meal.

Normally I’d rub a thin, runny paste over my skin to help combat the bugs but I was supposed to be relieved by another shepherd in the early morning today so I could return home for a few days, rest, bathe, socialize with friends and family, take care of any personal business I might need to do and then head back out to watch over another flock, possibly in a different location.

Rubbing the paste on only to wash it off an hour later when I was relieved was wasteful of both the paste and my time. Getting the paste off was a pain in the ass since the paste was tenacious and required a good hard scrubbing with optional mild swearing. It also wasn’t the most pleasant smelling variety we made. The wanaku didn’t care how I smelled and there wasn’t another person for miles that would voice a negative opinion about my less than sweet odour. Ten or fifteen minutes after applying it I wouldn’t notice the scent anymore. I just needed to get past the initial stagnant-bog-water odour the paste had and it was fine. It wasn’t worth the extra expense to put sweet oils into bug repellent when there wasn’t really anyone who’d be bothered by the smell save the bugs it was supposed to keep away.

The shepherd who was supposed to relieve me was late. Not just a little late either. They were hedging into well over-due and I was getting a bit worried and ticked off. Any number of things could be holding up my replacement including bandits but I doubted that scenario. It would be almost immediately obvious that there was little of monetary value in the bag the shepherd carried. Some food staples, a few changes of sturdy clothes and maybe a couple of candles were nothing worth stealing. If it wasn’t bandits that were holding up my replacement they’d better have a damn good reason for keeping me waiting and presenting myself as a buffet for the bugs.

I couldn’t leave the herd unguarded while I headed down the mountain to see what was wrong. It would take me roughly an hour to descend and then more time to find out why I hadn’t seen my replacement and then another hour for me or someone else to head back to the herd. A lot of bad things could happen in the wilds of the mountain in ten minutes never mind the two to three hours the herd would be left unattended.

The wanaku were valuable animals that provided us with meat, wool, and in the cooler months when we could store it properly, milk. They could certainly flee from predators but one or two would inevitably be lost if not more depending on what was hunting them. Four adult dire wolves could wipe out the entire herd of fifty animals I was protecting if they really wanted to. Wanaku weren’t terribly bright and utterly dismal at remembering they’d had a predator stalking them twenty minutes ago that might still be in the area. The babies in the herd were only a few months old and were even worse than the adults at staying alert to recent danger. The babies also couldn’t run as fast as the adults and were easier prey.

One option would be to drive the herd down the mountain with me but they didn’t like leaving their grazing range and resisted doing that surprisingly well. It was usually a task done by at least two shepherds for the size of herd I was watching and even then we only did it once a year for shearing and to selectively outbreed to keep the various herds healthy. I could eventually get them down on my own if I absolutely had to but it would take hours and we’d all be cranky and tired at the end of it. Cranky wanaku were to be avoided if possible since they liked to spit bile with surprising accuracy at whomever they felt was responsible for their crankiness. They weren’t above kicking you either and while their hooves were small, it still hurt like fuck when they landed a blow.

Two days past when I should’ve been relieved someone finally came to the little hut that was my temporary home while watching the herd. It wasn’t a fellow shepherd though. The person who showed up at the hut was one of the rilli warriors of the nest and she looked like she’d been through something awful and violent recently. Bandits attacking my replacement suddenly looked like it would’ve been the preferred scenario to why I hadn’t been relieved on time.

“You need to come to the nest, Vasyl. Dana honey slavers and their mercenaries attacked the nest several days ago. They planned well and were very successful. We were caught completely off guard and overwhelmed quickly. A large group of rilli warriors were out investigating something that we now know was designed to lure as many warriors away as possible and thin the numbers of people able to give chase.

“They captured roughly half the males, morphs and remaining rilli in the nest along with a few ferres that got in the way. They loaded them all onto ships and sailed away. The entire attack lasted less than an hour but the destruction they caused is devastating. They set fires and the hurled large rocks, collapsing a few buildings. It was pure chaos from what I was told. We’re going to go after them but it’s not looking good for getting our people back. They’ve hidden their trail well. Minutes after the ships set sail they vanished from sight. Big magic was working to do that.”

Shock and anger warred within me along with a dash of fear. Dana honey slavers were an infrequent hazard to my species, the Buthydana. Typically the slavers were more opportunistic with a few slavers pouncing on lone travellers or small groups of Buthydana travelling to other nests or towns to trade or sell goods. They kidnapped Buthydana to milk us of the venom we naturally produced in the end segment of our tails. They cut the purity down and then sold what was known as Dana honey to addicts for the intense high most other species experienced. They also sold our venom at full strength to others who wished to use it to kill since even in very small doses it was deadly, fast acting and, to the best of my knowledge, had no antidote.

If the attack had come just a day later I could’ve been one of the rilli captured and held prisoner gods only knew where while Dana honey slavers milked every drop of venom from me over and over again until I couldn’t produce any more. It was draining on the body’s resources to constantly produce venom. After roughly four months you were done, your body too exhausted to make more without prolonged bed rest and absolutely no venom production.

The slavers wouldn’t keep a Buthydana around for weeks with nothing to show for it. Especially not when even after a month-long rest, the individual would only be able to produce possibly two or three full doses of venom before they were back to being unable to make more. A Buthydana that couldn’t produce venom was useless to Dana honey slavers and often didn’t live to see another day. If you had the misfortune to be a pretty Buthydana the Dana honey slavers would cut off the last segment of your tail where the venom was produced before selling you off as a bed slave to get the last possible bit of coin out of you.

I wasn’t sure which was the worse fate, being forced to produce venom over and over until you collapsed or having part of your tail amputated and turned into a bed slave. I didn’t want to find out on a personal level which was worse since I was positive they were equally horrible in their own ways.

“What about the wanaku herd? If I leave them here to fend for themselves there might not be any left by the time someone comes to check on them. I’m assuming they’re low priority right now but the nest needs them and losing this herd will be a big impact on our herds in general as well as our food supply. They’re pretty dumb and in my professional experience something predatory will figure out they’re unprotected and kill off the herd within a week if not sooner. If you can help me, we can herd them down the mountain. It’ll take a couple of hours since they don’t like leaving what they’re familiar with and will resist but it’s not terribly hard to get them down with two people once they’re moving,” I said.

The rilli warrior pursed her lips. “I’ve never been around wanaku and I have no idea what I’m doing but I’ll help as much as I can in getting them down the mountain. Tell me what to do and I’ll do my best.”

I nodded and outlined what I needed the warrior, Pina, to do. She had martial experience so should be fairly decent at working as a team. It wasn’t anything overly hard that we needed to do but we needed to time our moves to keep the wanaku going in the direction we wanted them to go yet keep them from rushing off in a blind panic when we cast the cantrip to make a sudden noise and flash of light behind the herd.

We got the herd down the mountain with only a few mishaps and it didn’t take all that much longer than if I’d been working with novice shepherd. I had a hell of a time not laughing when one of the old wanaku spit in Pina’s face with startling-to-her accuracy for placing a noise cantrip a little too close to her hooves.

The nest was in shambles and I was shocked at the destruction.

A large number of the homes and shops had been torched although the fires no longer burned. Several appeared to have collapsed. Smashed objects of unidentifiable origin were scattered over the road. Some of the darker stains on the cobblestones were likely blood and there was a frightening amount of that. There was an abnormal quiet hanging in the air that made me feel uncomfortable in a way I couldn’t really define. The streets were nearly deserted, something I’d never seen in my life and it was adding to the unnatural sensation pressing on me. There was a faint smell of death, just barely perceptible over the acrid scent of smoke and burnt things.

My first instinct was to run to where my extended family lived and check on them. Pina needed to physically restrain me from doing that. When I still struggled against her she threatened to sting me to make me calm the fuck down. It was not an idle threat either. I saw in her eyes that she’d have no issues doing it. She wouldn’t just hit me with the less potent pre-venom either. She was willing to use full venom if I didn’t settle the fuck down immediately.

Buthydana venom was deadly to most other species even in very small doses. However, when one Buthydana stung another, or more commonly dripped it into someone’s mouth, it acted as a sedative/relaxant that could last for hours depending on whether pre-venom or the full venom was used. We could also regulate how much full-strength venom we injected based on whether we wanted a mild or strong reaction. Even a small dose would make me loopy and pliant for roughly two hours and now was most definitely not the time for that.

Pina brought me to the council house and told me to wait until someone came to get me shortly. I thanked her for her help in getting the wanaku down the mountain and wished the luck of the gods on her in her hunt for our people. I was tempted for a few seconds to make a break for my family’s houses once Pina left but chose to wait for the meeting with the council. As much as my heart cried out to go see if they were okay, I doubted I’d find them easily.

If they were still in the nest to be found.

From the little I’d seen and what Pina had told me, the situation of the nest was very serious. That Pina had been told specifically to bring me immediately to the council house without any detours on the way said to me that things were possibly worse than I was thinking they were and I thought things were pretty bad from what I’d seen and what Pina told me.

I was fairly sure I knew what was going to be asked of me given what Pina had said about the members of our nest that were taken and my requested presence before the council. I was ready to do what I had to in order for the nest to survive. My wait was less than five minutes before I was brought into a room with several older Buthydana of the nest’s council, their expressions grim and exhaustion blanketing them.

“Vasyl, we assume that the warrior that went to get you told you what happened?” asked a ferres that looked just this side of ancient. “You’ve obviously seen the devastation of the nest as you were brought here. They’re just buildings and can be replaced but I’m sure you noticed the lack of people in the streets and evidence of bloodshed. Replacing members of the nest isn’t as easy and with the blow the slavers dealt to our ability to breed and keep our population diversely healthy, it’s going to be even harder.”

I nodded. “Pina said the Dana honey slavers took a lot of our males, morphs, rilli and a few ferres, too. She said they killed those that fought back or that got in their way as they were dragging off our people. Pina didn’t think we’d be able to get our people back and she has a look to her that says she’s probably right.

“In light of that, I believe you’re going to ask me to morph so we can be ready to start building our population again. I’m willing to do what I must for the nest. I assume you want me to morph as soon as possible, too, since it does take time to happen. Can you tell me anything about my mother and siblings? What about my father? Pina wouldn’t let me go to their houses. She said she was instructed to bring me here immediately. I’d like to see them before I start the morph if I can.”

“We’re still tallying the dead and taken. You’ve seen the burned homes and shops as you came into the nest. We’re having some trouble identifying people who couldn’t escape the fires and some of our people fled into the mountains. The ones who fled may be waiting a few more days before returning. Or they might’ve been captured by some of the slavers that were scattered in the forest surrounding the nest. There’s a post set up in the square with the names we have been able to confirm as dead as well as one for the missing and presumed or known to have been captured,” said one of the males facing me.

That made my insides twist. A Buthydana nest was extremely social and worked as a tight-knit collective for the betterment of the nest as a whole. Individuals certainly did their own thing and we weren’t some group mind that obeyed commands solely for the benefit of the nest. But because of our social structure and the way we reproduced, we were an extremely close community that was more like a giant extended family. I was sure many of the dead and missing would be people I knew well and likely was related to in some way. A painful ache settled in my heart and I hadn’t even seen the list of the dead and missing yet.

“You’re free to decline the morph, Vasyl. Our nest doesn’t believe in forcing that on anyone regardless of the need of the nest. I will not lie or soften my words. Parts of the process will hurt in ways that I can’t adequately describe that go beyond the physical. A morph is more than the physical change as well. There are mental and emotional aspects that could be the harder part of the process for you especially since you’d be doing this for the nest not because you felt like you had been born into the wrong body.

“You’ll also be very tired and weak for several days once the morph is done. It will take a while to get used to your new sex and the few noticeable physical changes. While a morph is usually given plenty of time to adjust before breeding; we can’t afford to do that right now. Even without the final count of the dead and missing, we’re critically low on males just from the numbers we know about,” said a morph as he gave me a sympathetic look.

I blew out a sharp breath at that. I was absolutely willing to change from being a rilli, a sterile female, to a morph, a fertile male for the survival of my nest. As a species, eighty percent of us were born female but less than half of those females were ferres and thus fertile. Only a rilli could morph successfully into a fertile breeder. Typically a male or ferres only morphed if they felt uncomfortable or not right being the sex they’d been born. The incidents of that were extremely low though so it rarely happened.

Morphing was generally seen as a one-time thing and was never done lightly or on a whim when it was voluntary. Spontaneous morphs happened, too, but those only occurred during puberty. It was possible for someone born a rilli to morph back to a rilli but it took a heavy physical toll on the body and a third of the ones who attempted it died. Males and ferres were unable to switch back once they morphed.

Morphs were typically given time to adjust to their new body and to get comfortable with it before beginning their duty to breed. I understood why that wouldn’t be possible for me and any other rilli that decided to morph for the survival of the nest. I anticipated there being a bit of a problem in morphing for me and my future breeding ability and I needed to make the council aware of that.

“I’m not attracted to females. At all. I know that’s not the norm for many rilli but it is the norm for me. I’m absolutely willing to morph for the survival of the nest but I think it’s going to be a problem when it comes to breeding which is the entire point of my morphing. I’m not sure I’ll physically be able to breed a female since they don’t do anything for me sexually,” I said.

“We appreciate your honesty, Vasyl. You wouldn’t be the first rilli that doesn’t desire the ferres you’re to breed after morphing. The morph only changes the reproductive parts and fertile nature of your body not the fundamentals of who you are. We have work-arounds. They’re not perfect but generally they do the trick when we have a morph like yourself that isn’t attracted to females,” the morph said with a smile.

That made sense to me. I knew I wouldn’t be the first or the last to morph for the good of the nest that would have problems breeding a ferres. I had no idea what those work-arounds would be since I’d never entertained the thought of morphing but I was game to try and do my best for my nest. I felt a bit sad and a little fearful at changing sexes because I had no idea what to expect but I was also a smidge excited to try something new.

I was comfortable with my body, I liked being female and had never felt that I’d been born in the wrong skin. If I was being one hundred percent honest with myself I was more than a tiny bit curious about what it would be like to be a male physically, specifically with regards to sex. Curiosity was not a good enough reason though for me to contemplate something as huge as morphing especially when it was basically a one-time thing.

I’d lose the breasts I had and that was disappointing since I was of the opinion that I had fantastic tits, something all my lovers had whole heartedly agreed upon. I wouldn’t miss the food-in-boobs/boobs-in-food thing that was an unfortunately common occurrence for me. I’d have an easier time chasing after stray wanaku after the morph as running with huge tits without said tits being firmly bound in place was a very hard nope. Not having to strap my chest down everyday would be nice.

Buthydana males didn’t have the external sex organs I’d heard some other species had so not much would change externally between my legs in that regard. I would, however, have an inseminator that would emerge from an inner sheath where my vagina currently was.

That would probably feel weird for the first little while that it happened. Or maybe it would be erotically weird and I’d like it. Maybe it would feel something like when a lover was withdrawing during sex. My lovers certainly seemed to really enjoy the sensation of their inseminator descending so I probably would, too. I know they deeply enjoyed my touching it and sucking it during sex so I was curious with maybe a pinch of anticipation regarding that.

I didn’t doubt for a second that I’d still desire males as lovers. I’d already known that the morph wouldn’t change my desired partner from male to female. That wasn’t how the morph worked. It was a purely physical change of the sex organs with some differing hormone levels tossed into the mix. My body shape, breast loss aside, and facial features wouldn’t change at all. Some morphs developed a more androgynous look to their face but that literally took several years. Some morphs still looked very feminine even years after their morph.

As far as sexual acts for pleasure went after the morph I knew if I wanted to be penetrated, anal was going to be my only option. I’d had anal sex before although not frequently. I’d enjoyed it quite a bit. I liked being fucked a lot but I wasn’t sure if I’d like constant anal. Maybe I’d like doing the fucking once I had the equipment for it. Maybe being fucked or being the one who did the fucking would be mood dependant for me. I was sure there were other pleasurable options besides oral between men if neither wanted to take it in the ass. Gods, I had so many questions suddenly flitting through my head.

I knew quite a few of the morphs I’d been with enjoyed being anally penetrated even if it was only a finger or two doing it. That was probably tied to having been a rilli before their morph but that was pure guessing on my part. Some males enjoyed it, too, but not as frequently as morphs in my experience. I was curious to see if that was going to be a thing for me to enjoy, too. I was always up for trying new things and testing personal boundaries. I wouldn’t push past my established limits but I’d certainly been called adventurous by more than one person and it wasn’t only with regards to sex.

Life was an adventure meant to be lived to the fullest.

“Okay. Let’s do this then. I don’t think waiting will change anything about whether or not this is necessary. Morphing takes time and the longer we delay, the longer it’ll take to get the nest back into shape for the future. Pina said she didn’t have high hopes for being able to track our people down and she looked like she would know what she was talking about. I think morphing is the only reasonable option for me to take,” I said firmly.

“One of the aids will bring you to the post of the dead and missing before escorting you to the morph cave. Your nest deeply appreciates this act, Vasyl,” said the ancient ferres with small formal bow of her head.

“The nest needs this of me. I’ll eventually adjust to being a male reproductively because of the decision I’m making now. It’s not like I’m the first rilli to do this for the nest nor will I be the last. How many other rilli are morphing?”

“There’s two dozen others so far but we haven’t finished calling in all of our people who were away from the nest when the attack happened. Some others that were here might be able to do it later but they were injured in the raid and it would be extremely dangerous for them to go through such a physically draining process when they’re not healthy and strong. Some of the rilli that weren’t taken, injured or killed are too old to safely morph and past breeding age.

“We were hit very hard, Vasyl. We’ll be lucky to have a further two dozen rilli able to morph within the next few months if we don’t get our people back. We’re down to around four hundred males now. That’s not enough for a healthy population in a nest our size. Some of the commanders of our warriors think several Dana honey slaver groups banded together and were watching us or had someone watching us for months. They were fast, precise and most definitely had a plan for their raid. There were a lot of them, too. It wasn’t an attack of opportunity like they usually make. I’m not entirely convinced that they won’t be back either,” said the male with a scowl.

Another two dozen morphs on top of the two dozen who were able to do it now? That was it? We only had four hundred males left? Dana honey slaver groups banding together was unheard of. Things were much more dire than I thought and I thought they were damn shitty. I wasn’t sure I could go along with the idea of the slavers coming back but then again, I hadn’t thought they’d band together in the first place either. It was actually rather frightening to think of large, organized bands of Dana honey slavers prowling around the coast line and forests looking for nests to raid.

I nodded at the council and followed the very young rilli, barely more than a child in the midst of puberty really, from the council rooms. Dana honey slavers typically wouldn’t bother with a Buthydana that wasn’t mature as the toxicity of their venom wasn’t as powerful and they couldn’t produce the same quantity as a full adult. That was likely the only saving grace for the young in our nest not being taken. Ferres didn’t produce as much venom or venom as potent as a male, rilli or morph. Ferres venom was only slightly more powerful with maybe one and a half times the quantity of an adolescent which is why the slavers didn’t really bother with them either.

The rilli, Taeshi, brought me to the post with the list of dead and missing. For a list that wasn’t yet complete it was already a very long one. I scanned it hoping that I wouldn’t find the names of my immediate family members on it. I must’ve made some sort of noise when I saw my parents’ names and that of my youngest sister under the column of the dead because Taeshi rubbed her tail against mine in a gesture of comfort. I found my other sister, my morph-brother and my brother on the list of the missing.

I started to cry, the pain and grief hitting me hard as I saw more and more familiar names on both lists. Aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbours, former lovers. So many people dead or likely beyond our reach to be effectively dead to us. I wasn’t wildly knowledgeable about the world but I knew it was extremely unusual for Dana honey slavers to be as organized as they had been on the attack on my nest. We weren’t an overly large nest with roughly four thousand people. The blow the Dana honey slavers had dealt to our breeding population could kill our nest. That our nest might die out because of the raid sent a shaft of pain through my heart.

It took me a while to pull myself together. There was so much pain and grief and anger rolling through me. Others came to the post to check the lists and seeing their sorrow increased mine. I was glad and relieved to see people I knew as they checked the lists but it hurt seeing them look through the lists and realize that whoever they’d been hoping to not see on the list was there. Eventually I had to step away from the post, move across the street and stand with my back to it because it was simply too much sorrow to witness when combined with my own.

We could try to join another nest but even with our numbers drastically reduced there wasn’t another single nest that would or could accept that many in at once. We were highly clannish as a species, our loyalty to our home nest absolute. If we couldn’t get our breeding numbers back up and wanted to survive as individuals we’d likely need to scatter to dozens of other nests. It would be painful to break up family groups just so we could live. Any nests we joined would always view us with a little distrust because they weren’t our home nest. We’d react the exact same way if another nest was in the position we were in and joined ours.

The males, morphs and ferres would typically have a bit of an easier time entering a new nest because of their ability to breed but rilli and the ferres, morphs and males no longer able to breed would have the most difficulty. Rilli that were able to morph into males likely would in order to gain acceptance into a new nest. But even then, with a sudden influx of males and not enough ferres to be bred, males or morphs wouldn’t be as welcome as they normally would be.

There weren’t many other Buthydana nests close to ours either. Or in general really. As a species there weren’t a lot of us. Individual nest territories were fairly large and no nest liked overlapping of said boundaries. Buthydana were highly territorial by nature. We did do breeding exchanges between nests to help all nests keep diversity in the population but that usually involved a male or morph visiting another nest for a few months to breed a select few ferres before going back to his home nest.

“We should go to the morph cave now,” Taeshi said softly. “You need to talk to a guide and prepare for your morph before you actually start it. One of my sisters morphed last year. He’d always wanted to morph but said it was hard for a lot of reasons that he didn’t expect. I told the council I would morph but they said they weren’t going to allow anyone who wasn’t already close to adulthood to do it for the nest. I’m comfortable being a rilli but I want to help the nest more.”

She was right. My standing there and wallowing in grief did nothing helpful but make me sad and angry at the unfairness of it all. I needed to start the morph since that would take time and couldn’t be rushed. The sorrow would be a constant for a while. I wasn’t avoiding dealing with my grief. I couldn’t do anything about it and it was simply a lower priority at the moment. I pushed aside my heartache as much as I could and mentally girded my loins. I had shit to do for the survival of my nest and that was now my number one goal.

“I understand you wanting to help the nest but morphing is a really big life-changing thing. If you’re not doing it because you feel wrong in the skin you were born into, you should wait a few more years and really think about it because you aren’t an adult yet. Maybe talk to your morph-brother and get his thoughts and experiences as he went through the morph. As much as you want to help the nest, morphing could be the wrong decision for you to make right now and once it’s done; it’s really hard and dangerous to morph back.

“I wouldn’t choose to morph on my own because I’m content being a rilli. But I’m also eighty-one years old so I’ve had a fair bit of time to experience life as a rilli. Yes, I’m still young relatively speaking but I’ve also been an adult for a long time. I’m not married nor is there anybody in the running for that for me so this decision doesn’t affect anyone else. This is the appropriate decision for me to make to help the nest but my position in life is very different from where you are in your life right now.”

“I guess,” Taeshi said with reservation in her tone. “I just feel like I should be doing more for the nest.”

“You’re helping now. You might not seem to think you’re doing a lot but you’re helping the council get things under control and back to normal. We’re missing a lot of people and it seems like many were hurt in the raid. You’re able-bodied and carrying out the orders of the council so they can keep on doing what needs to be done for the nest. You are helping.”

“Thanks. That actually helps a lot,” Taeshi said with gratitude in her voice.

I resisted the urge to ruffle her hair. She was a nice, earnest kid. She led me to the outskirts of the nest where there was a cave network in the foothills of the mountain range. It was a maze of natural tunnels that could see you getting lost very easily if you didn’t know where you were going. I’d never been in the morph caves. I’d had no need to be there. Only those that were going to morph and the guides that helped lead you through a morph had been inside and were familiar with the tunnel system. Taeshi handed me off to a morph at the cave entrance and headed back to the nest.

“I’m Brenn and I’ll be your guide through your morph should you decide to do it.”

Brenn was an older morph, likely just past his breeding period if I was to guess. He had a strongly androgynous face that leaned towards the feminine side. His voice was on the higher end for a male but not oddly so. With a little styling of his hair and a touch of make-up he’d be a handsome female. If his hair was cut into a more close-cropped style he’d be a handsome male with soft features. His body had subtle curves to it that suggested female with his waist being a bit narrower and his hips a bit wider than a typical male. He was flat-chested but that didn’t necessarily mean he couldn’t be a female. The segments of his tail were the biggest giveaway as they were longer and narrower than a Buthydana born male, a clear sign that he’d been born female and morphed.

“Vasyl. I never considered morphing so I’m going to have a ton of questions for you.”

He chuckled. “Even if you had considered or wanted to morph you’d have a ton of questions. We all do when we morph. This is going to be the biggest change you’ll make in your life should you go through with it. Follow me and we’ll get the preliminary shit out of the way and get you started if you still want to go through with it after speaking with me.”

I walked beside Brenn, the coolness of the tunnels raising little chill bumps on my exposed flesh. The tunnels were only very dimly lit by the moss growing on the upper walls and ceiling. It was more than enough light for any Buthydana to navigate easily but we also had exceptional night vision. My stomach churned a little as the reality of what I was about to do hit me the further we walked into the cave system. In about a month I’d sexually be a male. Another two weeks after that and I’d be capable of breeding a ferres. I could potentially have children in under a year’s time.

Granted, I wouldn’t be marrying any of the ferres I bred with but I’d also never thought about having children period since I was sterile. I’d be involved with the children I spawned and they’d know me as their father but the nest helped raise all children. There were some married breeders but even then they’d breed with others to help keep diversity in the nest. The siblings I’d grown up with in the same house all had different fathers but the same mother except for my youngest sister. Her and I had the same parents. I was just as close with the siblings I had through my father and other ferres and that was utterly common in Buthydana nests.

Brenn brought me to a surprisingly homey set of rooms and gestured for me to be seated. He went to a small kitchen area and moved aside a lid on a slightly raised section of the floor. Steam immediately wafted up and he used a long-handled ladle to scoop some liquid into a thick mug. Brenn added something to the mug from various jars on shelves and gave it a stir. He came back to me and set the mug on the small table beside me before sitting in a chair opposite mine.

“Drink that only when you’re sure you’re ready to start the morph process. Even if you’re sure right now, give it a bit to cool since it comes from a geothermal pool and is exceptionally hot. You’ll drink that mixture three times a day for a week. It’ll trigger the morph in you since you’re obviously not a spontaneous morph. It’s not too late to change your mind, Vasyl. No one will judge you if you do. It’s a lot of ask of someone when they’d never thought of doing it. Possibly after asking the questions you have and hearing the answers, you won’t want to go through it.

“Part of my job is to make sure you’re as informed as I can make you about this decision. Once you’ve completed your breeding duty to the nest it is possible that you could morph back to a rilli if you wanted to. I’d recommend against that though as the process is even more taxing and painful to revert and it also carries the possibility of dying because the strain is simply too much for your body to bear. The older you are when you attempt to morph back, the greater the chance that you will die in the attempt. You’re not old but you’re also not just stepping off the lip of puberty either.”

I knew about all of that. I considered this change to be a one way trip in my situation. Realistically, if I wanted to I could continue to live as a rilli and nobody would care or comment on it. Some morphs who did it for the good of the nest would continue to live as they had before their morph. Knowing myself as I did I’d do my best to embrace my new form. When I decided on a course of action I was all-in and only very rarely changed my mind.

“I’m committed to this regardless of the answers you give me. I’m only attracted to men but the council said there were work-arounds that should allow me to breed ferres. I know changing reproductively will need some adjustment on my part but it’s for the nest so I’ll make it work through sheer force of will if I have too.”

Brenn nodded at my words. He’d likely heard something similar from other potential morphs. All Buthydana knew of the morph and what it entailed in general but unless you were anticipating doing it, you typically wouldn’t know the specifics of it since it wasn’t important or necessary for you to know more. Nothing stopped a person from learning more if they so chose. Morphing wasn’t a secret process but if a person wasn’t going to do it there was little reason to learn the finer details of it.

“Some rilli like yourself do morph as I’m sure you’re aware although it’s generally not very often and usually done in times of great need for the nest. Only being attracted to males will present a challenge for you when it comes to breeding. But, seeing as you’re not the first we do have things we can try in order to make you able to breed a ferres. They’re not one hundred percent guaranteed but we’ve had a fairly high success rate when we need to use them.

“Being a morph and not attracted to females may limit your choice of future lovers among Buthydana. You might need to look outside our people to find a male attracted to males. Because of your current looks I’d guess that you’ll probably still look like a beautiful feminine Buthydana but you’ll have male parts. I’m considerably older than you and it’s been my experience that not a lot of male Buthydana will be interested because you’ll possess male parts. Most morph won’t be either as generally they prefer women and you having male parts will be a deal breaker for them as well,” Brenn said cautiously.

Having to look outside of my species for lovers when not breeding hadn’t occurred to me but it probably should’ve. I didn’t see that as a future problem though. While Buthydana were extremely loyal to our home nest we weren’t isolationists. We traded frequently with other species we shared the land with. Outside of our home range we were very unusual to see but that could possibly help me find lovers because I would be unique looking should I decide to leave the nest when my duty was done. I’d always wanted to try sex with another species but never had the opportunity to give it a go.

In all honesty I had a secret desire to travel outside the boundaries of Buthydana lands. I wanted to see and experience other cultures. The life of a shepherd didn’t allow for that sort of thing although I had managed to visit two other nations as an adult even if those visits had been for only a few days at a time and regretfully hadn’t allowed time for me to find someone willing to fuck. I’d heard that non-Buthydana were either turned off by our scorpion-like tail or thought it would be interesting to have sex with someone with one.

I’d once gone on a working vacation of sorts with my father to some neighbouring non-Buthydana settlements as he traded wares when I was young and far before I was ready for any sexual experiences. That had probably planted the seed to see other places and people within me. My father had a bad case of wanderlust so maybe I’d gotten a pinch of that from him, too. Pity I hadn’t acquired a single drop his business acumen as well or I’d have followed him into trade to feed my travel desires.

“One last bit of warning or caution for you, Vasyl. You’re a very beautiful rilli with an outstanding figure. I would guess that you’re between seventy-five and eighty years old. Because of those two things, the morph itself is going to be rough on you as your body absorbs your significant breast tissue and changes your internal reproductive organs from sterile rilli to fertile male. You’re still fairly young but also well into adulthood so the reproductive change will be harsher than if you were fresh out of puberty or had spontaneously morphed.

“Once the morph is complete there is a very high likelihood that you’ll be mistaken for a female by both our people and non-Buthydana alike. I would guess that even if you dress as a male and cut or style your hair as a male, you’ll still look very female. That might be a source of irritation and frustration to you depending on how you decide to present yourself after your morph. It could help you though in finding Buthydana male lovers as long as you desire them penetrating you and doing so in a position that keeps them from seeing your inseminator. I know that’s shitty but most Buthydana with inseminators aren’t attracted to other Buthydana with inseminators.

“How others perceive you and react to you could become problematic for you depending on how you view yourself after the morph. Will you see yourself as a male or will you see yourself as a morphed rilli? Or will you view yourself as some blend of the two? Unfortunately I can’t tell you how you’ll react. Every person is unique and sometimes what you thought would be the end result doesn’t work out that way.”

“This is turning out to be far more complicated than I thought it would be,” I said with a frown. “I thought I’d morph, do what I need to do for the nest and then go live my life. I hadn’t thought about everything else you just told me. Or really what living my life as a morph would encompass. I suppose I thought that aside from a few physical things that would change and the times I’d need to breed a ferres, my life would basically continue as is just from an added male view on some things. It’s not going to be that simple is it?”

“No, it’s not. That’s why I said you can still decline the morph, Vasyl. There’s a lot more to it than losing your breasts and vagina, gaining an inseminator. You’re going to have to adjust mentally to being different from what you’d assumed you always would be. You’ll have to adjust to people reacting to you a bit differently because you’ll be a morph not a rilli. I’m sure the morph on the council stressed that you didn’t need to do this and it wasn’t going to be forced on you.”

“Yeah, he did. As much as some of this scares me because it’s unknown and unexpected, I’m excited and curious, too. I’m not trying to make light of anything or not taking this as serious as I know it is, but it sort of feels like a huge adventure I’m starting on. Like I’m not just starting a new chapter in my life but the next book in the series of my life. That probably sounds stupid and overly dramatic but I swear it’s the absolute truth. Did you decide to morph because you felt you weren’t supposed to be a rilli or did you need to do it for the nest like I am? Or did you have a completely different reason?” I asked curiously.

“Doing things for the good of the nest is a very strong desire in every Buthydana I’ve ever met. Not to say I’m the final word or expert by any stretch but I am considerably older than you and have guided many through a morph. Morphing is always a very personal journey each individual takes. No two morphs are alike and what one person may sail through easily is another’s trial by fire that they barely survive,” said Brenn thoughtfully.

“I never felt quite right as a rilli. I knew that at a very young age. When I was old enough to understand about the morph I knew that I’d do it if I didn’t spontaneously morph. Not because I wanted to be able to contribute to the nest as a breeder but because I knew I wasn’t supposed to be a rilli. I thought I’d spontaneously morph because I was obviously the wrong sex but it never happened so I decided to morph when I was nearly finished with puberty. I’ve never regretted that decision and it’s been one hundred and sixty-three years since I morphed.

“You’re going to have a lot of time to think about what morphing means to you as its happening. For the largest changes, you won’t have the strength to do anything but lie there and accept what’s happening. Losing your breast tissue is actually very similar to when you have the final moult for your tail. You have a lot to lose so I’d expect that to take quite a bit of time and be very exhausting.”

A little chill skittered down my spine at Brenn’s words. Buthydanas’ tails generally moulted twice; once as puberty started and again at the end of puberty. The second moult was mildly painful but not terrible. Rarely, a third moult would happen and that was awful. I was unfortunate enough to have experienced a third tail moult after an unexpected final growth spurt that left me significantly taller than most ferres or rilli. As long as the breast moult wasn’t as bad as the third tail moult I’d had, I was confident I could deal.

“Unfortunately the forming of the inseminator happens at the same time as the breast moult and that just straight up hurts in a way I can’t adequately describe. It’s like intense cramps combined with tearing sensations and the mildly queasy feeling of things actually shifting around in your groin. The two things together are... breath-stealing at times. Sometimes it takes longer for the inseminator to form than the breast moult to happen but that seems a bit dependant on how much breast tissue there is to moult. You’ll sleep a lot during this which is a blessing but you will be awake for several hours of each day.

“The change to your internal organs from sterile to fertile will take about two weeks. I found the discomfort then to be less than when my inseminator formed but other morphs have had the opposite experience. After the breast moult and change from sterile to fertile it’ll take another two weeks or so for you to actually produce viable seed. That doesn’t hurt or feel like anything so there’s a bit of a bright spot in the process. Those are just general times though as every morph is a bit different.”

“It’s going to be pretty weird at first to not have these,” I said as I cupped my tits. They were definitely more than a handful and weighed several pounds each. “Although I’ll then be able to see my feet when I look down after I morph. That hasn’t been a thing for me for around sixty-five or seventy years.”

Brenn laughed. “I never had that problem. Even with the smaller chest I had, I was surprised after the moult at the difference it made in the way I stood and walked initially. I’m guessing you might have some balance issues at first once your breasts are gone since they are quite large but you get used to that fairly quickly, say maybe a few days of feeling ever so slightly off kilter.”

“I have more questions but even after all you’ve told me, I’m still going to morph. It’s what the nest needs and something within me says I need to do it for my own reasons even if I’m not sure what those reasons are yet,” I said as I reached for the mug on the table.

Steam still curled a little from the mug. The liquid was a pretty aqua colour and smelled of both hot iron and flowers with a subtle musky undertone that was vaguely familiar but I couldn’t place it for the life of me. I took a cautious sip but it wasn’t scalding hot anymore. It tasted surprisingly bland. I downed it in one go and set the mug back on the table.

“So about the inseminator....” I began with a grin.


	2. Chapter 2

** Chapter 2 **

The third moult of my tail hadn’t felt anywhere near as bad as the moult for my breasts. At the time of that tail moult I was positive that I’d never felt anything that painful in my life nor would I again. I’d been very wrong. It felt like I had a massively fat dragon sitting on my chest that would occasionally get off me to breathe fire on my chest so he’d have a toasty warm place to sit once more. My skin felt unbearably tight and like it would split open if I was stupid enough to do anything more than pant shallowly. The chest moult took an agonizing three weeks to get through although it felt like eternity to me while it was happening.

The pain in my groin was rough as my internal parts changed but that paled when compared to the agony of my chest moult. I never dreamed that someone could endure that level of pain and not die from it. Or maybe some did because while extremely rare, some people did die when morphing the first time.

Interestingly I never considered dying as a way to stop the pain although I somehow knew it was an option. I just wanted to push past the chest moult part and get on with the rest of the morph. After a week of the chest moult and groin pain I remembered mentally digging in my heels, gritting my teeth and motioning the pain at me sure that my pure stubbornness would overcome anything my body threw at me. I hadn’t meant for it but it seemed like my body decided I was taunting it and the pain went from agonizing to excruciating.

I found out later that I became delirious from the pain at that point and had to be restrained for my own safety which was wildly unusual during a morph. Brenn had to sedate me with his full strength venom instead of the weaker pre-venom. He said he’d had to do it more often and at higher doses than anyone else he’d guided through a morph. Many of the guides became worried that I’d die because I was reacting so strongly and taking so long to get through the chest moult. There’d been other rilli with large chests like mine that hadn’t had half the problems I was experiencing. They couldn’t remember another rilli taking three weeks for a chest moult either.

Brenn said I’d seemed to be having an intense conversation at times with someone while deep in my delirium but that he couldn’t understand what it was about since I was saying only fragments of that conversation out loud and none of it made sense. He said that despite the obviously severe pain I was enduring and just the fragments he heard, I sounded rational and not like the raving or screaming he would’ve expected.

Apparently the oddest thing about my morph beyond the time the chest moult took and delirium induced pain was the reaction between my legs, specifically my inseminator. Brenn told me during our conversation before the morph that once the inseminator had formed it would descend and retract a few times, sort of testing the system as it were, and then would stay within my body like normal until I was in a position to breed a ferres or became aroused. Once I was recovered from the morph my body would begin sperm production and roughly two weeks after that I’d be physically ready to breed.

Only... that’s not what happened and it confused all the guides since what my body did had never happened before during a morph to the best of their collective knowledge.

It took about a week for my inseminator to form, which was completely normal. My inseminator did the descend/retract thing like it was supposed to when it was supposed to although I had no memory of that due to the delirious state I was in at the time. After that test period though it would descend once or sometimes twice a day and be fully erect. It would stay hard for varying amounts of time before I’d appear to have an orgasm. Nothing was released though since my body hadn’t had the time to fully change my internal organs yet. Once I orgasmed it would soften and retract.

The guides had no idea what to make of that since my body shouldn’t have been reacting that way at all especially since there wasn’t any cause for that to happen that they could see. Nobody was touching me in any way that was even vaguely sexual and I was delirious from the pain of my chest moult.

I was confused as well but for a completely different reason.

I knew why I was orgasming during the morph but I thought it was part of the pain induced delirium and hadn’t been real. I’d been determined to survive the morph through sheer stubborn will but I also hadn’t been above praying to a god for help in enduring the pain when it seemed to ramp up to ridiculous levels. Helping mortals overcome difficulties was one of the functions of the gods. I wasn’t sure who specifically to pray to so I cast my prayer to the winds and hoped that would be enough to catch the attention of whatever god it was that was responsible for pain and suffering. There had to be one because there was a god for literally everything.

I’d heard a voice gently calling my name and the pain backed down to something endurable although it was still horrible. I thought I woke up but I wasn’t so sure about that anymore because Brenn said I didn’t open my eyes or wake up the entire time I was morphing which was a further worry for the guides since that wasn’t something that typically happened.

Morphs slept through a good portion of the process but they did have waking moments. During those awake periods the guide would help the morph eat, void their bladder and bowels, wash their bodies and the guides would ask questions to determine how the morph was progressing and to get a rough idea of when it would be done. Brenn said I never woke once I fell into delirium from the pain.

I remembered opening my eyes when my name was called after sending out my prayer to find the most beautiful man I’d ever seen in my life sitting beside me on the floor next to my pallet. He wasn’t Buthydana and there was something about him that was simply otherworldly. I couldn’t put my finger on just what that was but he radiated a powerful aura. He frightened me and made me feel utterly safe at the same time. There was a sense of never-ending compassion to him as well as depthless cruelty. He was confusing as hell yet he hadn’t said a damn word.

His skin was much paler than mine and he had the most amazing eyes. They were blood red and glittered as if made up of crushed rubies. When he tilted his head a little the light hit his eyes just right and they flashed with tiny flecks of sapphire blue and emerald green. There was no pupil in his eyes to detract from the jewel-like quality of them. From his bottom eye lids very thin lines of red seemed to drip down his face as if he was crying tears of blood.

His face was covered in shades of black and grey swirling lines, some thin, some thick, that formed a design that reminded me somewhat of a partially open rose on his cheeks. That same swirling design curled up over the left side of his face onto his forehead over his left eye. More grey and black decorated the bridge of his nose as well as his chin. His top lip was grey while his bottom lip was black with two white hook-like marks on it. His hair was a soft dove grey and fell in gentle waves down his back, the ends brushing the floor.

He said his name was Wae-Lan and he was the God of Pain and Sorrow. He heard my prayer and knew the exact type and strength of the physical pain I was suffering. He was intrigued that I was handling it as well as I was on my own. I didn’t think I was handling it overly well and begged him for help to endure it. He studied me briefly and told me that I could endure far more than I currently was and most certainly more than I thought I could. I didn’t think it was possible to hurt more than I was and survive so I said he was wrong and insane to think anyone could handle more than I was suffering.

My only excuse for my harsh words was that the pain I felt then overrode every drop of good sense I had and didn’t allow my brain stop to think how my words sounded to not only a god but _the_ God of Pain and Sorrow. I’d been absolutely sure there was no pain higher than what I was experiencing that wouldn’t kill someone or drive them mad.

I’d been so incredibly wrong about how much higher survivable pain could go. I screamed in utter agony but I wasn’t sure if it was only in my head or if I did it out loud. That level of pain could’ve lasted a second or two or it could’ve been hours or even days. I had no concept of anything except the bright, sharp, pain searing my entire body and flooding my mind.

The pain suddenly stopped as if a valve had been shut and the relief was exquisite. My mind slowly floated back to awareness that I was still feeling pain but compared to what I’d just endured, it was slightly worse than stubbing your toe. I could basically ignore that sort of pain. I wasn’t sure if the initial pain I’d felt was now less or when compared to what I’d just experienced, felt less painful. Whatever the reason I was grateful for the relief however it happened.

Oddly, my mind felt calm and peaceful with a tiny bit of euphoria trickling through it. My body tingled in unexpected places, confusing me but also making me want those sensations to grow. I looked at Wae-Lan and unexpected heat gathered in my groin in a way I’d never felt before. My groin suddenly felt strangely full, as if I had an inseminator inside me, which I did now but not in the way I was used to having one. The full feeling inside my groin lessened a bit but expanded a little outside my body at the same time. It felt good but kinda weird and completely arousing which was very confusing.

One of Wae-Lan’s eyebrows rose as he stared at me before a slow, wicked smile developed over his lips. He told me my inseminator was peeking out and asked if I felt aroused by the pain I’d suffered. I thought about it for several moments before I said yes because it was pointless to lie when he could obviously see it emerging from my body since I was naked. Clothes would only get in the way during a morph and could sometimes add to the pain felt during the morph depending on how sensitive the newly forming skin was initially.

I said that I was confused why I felt arousal when what I’d just experienced was excruciating. He studied me for a moment or two more and seemed to come to some sort of decision. He told me all pain was his purview and that for some pain could lead to intense sexual pleasure if their partner knew how to deliver it and the person receiving it enjoyed it. He told me he knew I found pain in a sexual situation arousing but hadn’t expected my reaction since it hadn’t been a sexual thing. He said he thought I might’ve reacted how I had because of the sexual changes my body was going through.

He shocked me when he asked if I wanted to experience some purposefully lustful pain at his hands. Arousal settled more firmly in my groin and my inseminator descended a little more at his question, the sensation erotic. My mouth was saying yes before I had time to think about it.

He gently ran the pad of his finger down my thigh and I cried out sharply at the unexpected hot sting that trailed from his finger. It was painful but not overly so and certainly not terrible when compared to the previous pain I’d been in. It was about the level of having a cat scratch you.

It made the heat stirring in my groin react in a way that felt good but slightly uncomfortable at the same time while being utterly arousing. The feeling of fullness within me increased, too, as my inseminator stiffened. He traced his finger lightly over my legs, belly and arms and while it definitely hurt in a mild sort of way it also felt really good and satisfying at the same time which was wildly confusing.

Wae-Lan stopped touching me and I actually whimpered at the loss of his painful touch. I was astonished at the level of lust that punched me hard in the gut when he used both hands to draw paths of erotic mild pain over my legs, belly and arms. I moaned wantonly and spread my legs, the silent but blatant invitation clear. In moments my inseminator descended fully, thick, hard and painfully ready for action. It felt amazing but I wanted more. I needed Wae-Lan to touch me more.

Part of my mind was shocked at my reaction and arousal. I was in the process of morphing, something very serious and taxing on my body and yet I deeply wanted the utterly beautiful god beside me to fuck me while he traced lines of pain over my already hurting body. I wanted him to touch my inseminator even though I was sure it would hurt. It made no sense but I wanted it with a startling burning intensity.

Wae-Lan purposefully avoided touching my groin or inseminator but ran his fingers over my inner thighs making me whimper and plead with him for more that never happened. He told me I was beautiful in my pain and how I roused his desire to give me that pain. Lust and need built in me until it was an arousing pain all on its own. I liked it. A lot. I screamed in ecstasy when I orgasmed but whether that was only in my head or something in reality I couldn’t have said if my life depended on a truthful answer.

Wae-Lan petted me, his touch incredibly soothing and gentle and not the least bit painful, as I panted and came down from the euphoria of my intense orgasm. He said I was beautiful in my agony and responded gloriously to the pain he graced me with. He said his cock ached to be buried in my ass, his balls felt heavy with denied release and it was because of me that he was able to enjoy the sweet pain of denial of his release. He actually thanked me for giving him that pain to enjoy.

He told me he was pleasantly surprised with the level of pain I’d endured and if I was willing, he wanted to give me more. He wanted to see what I was really capable of. My reward would be more orgasms like I’d just experienced if I wanted them. He said it wasn’t often he crossed paths with people like me who weren’t already in his Service in some capacity. I agreed with embarrassing speed. The initial pain had been terrible but the reward of erotic pain, the powerful orgasm and the gentle, soothing touches after were more than worth it in my mind.

From that point forward Wae-Lan would appear beside me and the pain I felt from the morph would climb until I was positive my heart would simply stop from the utter agony of it. It didn’t and eventually the pain would recede to something I could easily tolerate. He would ask me each time if I wanted him to spread erotic pain over my body and wouldn’t do anything unless I clearly said I wanted it.

He’d then touch my arms, legs and belly with just the tips of his fingers and the pain that flowed from him was intensely erotic. Sometime the pain was mild and other times it wasn’t but it always seemed to be just what I wanted to feel which was amazing. He never touched my groin, inseminator or chest and after what felt like days of that teasing I demanded that he touch me there, too, because I wanted it so badly. He’d laughed softly and said I wasn’t ready for that yet but looked forward to the time when I would be. I’d actually orgasmed when he told me that.

I wanted to touch him. I wanted to see him naked. I wanted to feel him moving inside me and his lips on my skin. I told him all that and wanted to scream in frustration when he said I wasn’t ready for any of that either. It was painful on a completely different level to be denied what I was certain we both wanted. The utter delight on Wae-Lan’s face when I told him that spread warmth through my body.

The last time Wae-Lan came to me he asked if I’d consider becoming one of his Agonies. He said my tolerance for and understanding of the different aspects of pain he’d gifted me with was exceptional and he felt I’d be well suited to the task. He told me he didn’t require worship of him from an Agony and outlined in general terms what I’d do as his Agony. It sparked excitement and a feeling of rightness within me. I told him why I was going through the morph and that I had a duty to my nest first but that if he was willing to wait until I’d fulfilled my obligation to my nest, which could be several years, I’d be honoured to accept his offer and become his Agony.

Wae-Lan’s pleasure at my answer gave him a beauty that was... well... painful to behold. He kissed me on the lips and the pain that swamped me then was beyond anything he’d given me to bear up to that point. It wasn’t only the general pain he’d had me endure all the previous times but a pressure and fullness that seemed to fill my body in a way that it would have no hope of containing.

The agony was indescribable yet I knew to the very depths of my soul that I was utterly safe and that he’d never give me more than I could bear despite what I might think at the time. He touched me nowhere else but my lips yet within moments I was orgasming hard. The pain was simply so pure and beautiful it was like my body had no choice but to respond with absolute pleasure. When he drew back he smiled at me, his satisfaction obvious, and said I was his Agony now and that he’d wait until my obligation to my nest was done. He told me to pray to him when I was ready to assume my duties as his Agony and then vanished.

I’d opened my eyes to find several guides watching me anxiously. I pushed myself into a seated position and my stomach snarled at having been denied real food for so long. I didn’t count the broth they’d apparently managed to drip down my throat while I was unconscious. They cautiously gave me a small amount of food and when I seemed fine, gave me more because I was ravenous. I drank two jugs of water as well, my throat feeling sore and beyond parched.

Both the thirst and hunger were very common reactions to a morph since the body used a lot of energy to morph. I could’ve easily eaten more but the guides refused saying my body needed to deal with what I’d just put into it before adding more or I’d throw everything back up. I most certainly didn’t want to do that.

I’d startled myself when I first spoke. My voice had changed significantly, losing the higher tone and developing a rough, husky quality to it. My initial surprise aside I liked it. It sounded sexy to me. It wasn’t deep like a male voice but it also wasn’t a female voice anymore. It walked the line of both and I was fairly sure that with a little effort I could nudge it up into a lower female tone or down into a higher male range.

My first trip to the bathroom had me staggering for the first few steps because of the absence of the weight of my breasts on my chest. I adjusted quickly though and did the business I needed to. Before leaving the toilet cubby I pushed down with my inner muscles to make my inseminator descend and it felt as good as Brenn said it would and as good as I’d remembered when Wae-Lan aroused me unbearably with his painful touch. The arousing sensation of my inseminator descending definitely hadn’t been part of my pain delirium.

I was wildly tempted to play with my inseminator a little but held back until I could be in a more private place than the communal washroom. Buthydana typically weren’t body shy like I’d heard some species were. I was walking around completely naked and didn’t feel shy, exposed or like I should hide my body. But that was a common viewpoint for every Buthydana I’d ever met including ones from other nests.

Masturbation was seen as something you did in private though and I would feel horribly exposed if someone walked in while I was jerking off even if I was hidden behind the walls of the toilet cubby. The cubby offered some privacy but not enough in my opinion to start intimately experimenting with my interesting new parts.

It took a few tries to get my inseminator back inside me but I eventually succeeded. While we weren’t body conscious, walking around in public with your inseminator swinging free was considered vulgar, rude and worthy of landing you in the lockup for a few nights to think about your actions. I was sure they were a bit more lax about that in the morph caves but I didn’t want to be flashing it at everybody who saw me.

I left the toilet cubby and stared at my reflection in the mirror for a long time. My chest looked a bit odd to me in its flatnesss but it was somehow less startling than I thought it would be. I thought I’d be sad and maybe a bit depressed to no longer have the amazing tits I’d once had but I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure why but I also wasn’t going to question it. It simply felt right in conjunction with vague sensation of the inseminator held within my body.

The skin of my chest from roughly my collarbones to slightly above the bottom of my ribcage and extending to my sides was lighter than the rest of my skin. I expected that as Brenn had warned me that was typically the case with morphs because the skin there was literally brand new when compared to the rest of my skin. He said it would likely always be a little lighter than the skin on the rest of my body. The morphs I’d been with before had the same slightly lighter skin tone over their chest, too, so that made sense to me.

As I examined my body I was curious about how it would feel to have something in my ass now. I sucked in a sharp breath when my inseminator began to firm inside me at just the thought of that. It actually started to descend as it firmed and I had to struggle mightily to keep it from sliding at least partially out. I muttered in annoyance when it seemed to take forever for it to soften and go back to being barely noticeable within me.

Brenn had warned me about that, too, and of how it would sometimes seem to have a mind of its own and partially descend and firm for no damn reason. That was going to be a lot more irritating than I thought it would be when Brenn initially told me about it if simple idle thoughts about sex had it reacting so easily.

I felt like I had a foot in either world as far as my gender went and I hadn’t been expecting to feel that way immediately upon completing the morph. Brenn told me I’d possibly have to deal with some perception changes regarding my sexuality but I’d thought it would happen slowly over several months. It was a lot to take in straight away on top of everything I’d just gone through.

My body was male where reproduction was concerned but I still retained a female shape for the most part. Logically I knew I shouldn’t be able to feel anything different about my internal organs but I was willing to swear that I did. Obviously I had an inseminator now and that was sort of internal but not at the same time. I could feel it inside me in a vague sort of way when I thought about it which would then send a tiny shiver of arousal through it. That was cool but had the strong potential to be annoying, too. Damn thing was far more sensitive than I thought it would be but perhaps that would ease as the newness of it wore off. I hoped like hell it would.

Aside from the flat, masculine chest I now had, my body still appeared very feminine with a narrow waist, lush hips and slender arms and legs. My scorpion-like tail was still a feminine shape with longer and narrower segments than a male tail. My face was very feminine looking and exactly the same as before the morph except for the dark circles around my eyes which should disappear once I had a few nights of good, pain-free sleep. My hair was unchanged as well and was currently cut in what was typically considered a very feminine style. I thought it was pretty and very flattering to my features.

For all intents and purposes I still looked like a rilli and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I’d intended to continue living my life as female after the morph with brief forays into required breeding of ferres but that mentally felt ill-fitting now and I didn’t know why. It was unexpected and annoying but I definitely didn’t feel like a rilli anymore. I was almost positive that it had nothing to do with losing my amazing tits either. It felt a little strange to have an inseminator instead of a vagina and no tits but I didn’t feel like I was in the wrong body now. I had a different one to suit different needs. I was still comfortable and confident with my decision to morph.

I didn’t exactly feel male, or what I assumed a male would feel like, either. When I thought about it I definitely felt more male than I had before the morph. That made sense in a way considering my new male reproductive organs, hormones and pheromones but I hadn’t thought it would make such a big immediate deal in my brain. I hadn’t considered I’d feel that way despite Brenn warning me that I might feel gender confused after the morph because my reasons for doing it weren’t because I felt like I’d been born in the wrong body.

I’d thought it would be a more gradual thing to mentally switch gender gears if it even was going to happen for me. Then again I’d had intense interaction with a god for two weeks and easily half of that had involved sexual things. All of my sexual reactions had been with the male parts I’d morphed to as well. It made a strange sort of sense to me that perhaps on some deeper unconscious level I’d already started to revise how I viewed my gender because of what I’d experienced with Wae-Lan during the morph.

Wae-Lan wasn’t at fault for anything. He’d been just as surprised as I was that very first time when my body had reacted to the pain he gave me with arousal. I’d very much enjoyed feeling arousal at his hands. It was always my decision to agree to anything sexual with him and he wouldn’t do a single thing to me until I told him I wanted it.

I’d done what I believed was necessary for the nest yet except for the lack of breasts, I looked unchanged even though I felt radically changed on the inside. Intellectually I’d known I’d still basically look the same physically after the morph but I was a tiny bit aggravated that I did. Especially since I didn’t feel like a rilli anymore which I was a bit surprised at.

I knew several morphs exceedingly well from both before and after the morph, one of them being my morph-brother, and they’d looked the same after their morph at least initially before changing their hairstyles to more masculine ones and no longer applying make-up. Why I expected to have a different outcome than them, I had no clue.

Staring at myself in the mirror I wasn’t sure how I wanted to be addressed. Before the morph I’d thought I’d still want to be addressed as she/her since I was morphing primarily for the nest and not because I felt I wasn’t supposed to be female. I didn’t entirely feel male but I certainly felt more male than before I’d morphed. Brenn told me I might have trouble with that aspect, too, since I’d never considered morphing on my own before.

Other Buthydana would call me by whatever pronouns I told them I preferred. Morphs weren’t uncommon although they typically made up a much smaller part of the general population. I was used to she/her but I was now going to fill a role at least some of the time held by those who generally used he/him. Right at that very moment as I stared at my reflection neither felt quite right. I sighed in frustration and mentally said fuck it and decided to go with they/them for the time being until I could sort out where my head was at. I wouldn’t be the first morph to use those pronouns and certainly not the last.

Changes from the morph and mild gender confusion aside, I felt different in a way I couldn’t put into words. If my experience with Wae-Lan had been real and not some giant fantasy my mind had spun in an attempt to deal with the pain I’d experienced, then I could understand why I felt like I did. My becoming an Agony of Wae-Lan’s felt real somewhere deep inside me but I was literally in the barest beginning stages of recovery from the morph. It could all be a product of my delirium and my body adjusting to the morph which would still take a while.

Brenn had strongly warned me that sometimes people experienced things during their morph that weren’t real although those things would feel very real at the time. Usually it was a combination of the pain and pre-venom from the Guides and those false memories would fade in a few days. I didn’t think my encounters with Wae-Lan were dreams or false memories but I wasn’t absolutely sure they weren’t either.

I vividly remembered everything that happened between me and Wae-Lan including our conversations between painfully erotic orgasms and the agony I experienced. If the whole thing with Wae-Lan was nothing more than a delirious dream I shouldn’t remember it as perfectly as I did. Or at least I didn’t think I would now that my pain delirium was over and my mind sharp and clear.

Wae-Lan said I was his Agony now and that he’d wait for my obligations to the nest to be over before I began my duties to him. I didn’t regret agreeing to become his Agony and I’d fight anyone to the death for saying that I’d agreed to it only to get him to stop the pain I was in. That wasn’t it at all. Part of our interaction actually had me taking on more pain than I should’ve felt and I’d agreed to that of my own free will. When he’d told me what an Agony was and what they did in his Service it was like having an epiphany. I felt like I finally knew what it was that I was meant to do.

Yes, there had been a very large amount of unimaginable pain he’d poured into me as he’d shown me what I was capable of. He’d also given me mind-blowing pleasure in a way I’d never expected to feel it. Although when I thought about it and was honest with myself, I’d enjoyed it a lot the few times that sex had gotten a little rough with some former lovers. I’d passed it off then to being very excited and impatient when it was happening but I doubted that was the real reason now. I liked the pain I’d received from Wae-Lan as he brought me to orgasm. I probably wouldn’t want it as a steady sexual diet once I got over the newness of the discovery but for now it was an exciting new adventure down a path I never thought I’d take.

I needed to know if the experience I’d had with Wae-Lan was real. None of Guides had said a word about seeing him during my morph but a god could remain unseen if he wanted to be so that meant nothing. The more I thought about it the more I was positive it was. I needed to be absolutely sure though and there was only one way I could think of to prove it. I bowed my head and sent a prayer to Wae-Lan asking if everything I’d experienced with him including being his Agony was real. I hoped I’d get an answer soon and I really hoped that he’d confirm that it had all been real. The thought of it not being real was immediately painful to me on a very deep level.

“Doubting me and what we’ve shared already, Vasyl? I’m hurt,” a voice teased gently.

I snapped my head up and gaped at Wae-Lan. I’d thought he’d simply answer me in my head not put in a personal appearance. I was so shocked at seeing him right in front of me that I couldn’t manage to gather my wits for nearly half a minute before dropping to my knees and respectfully bowing my head again.

“I’m sorry, Lord Wae-Lan. I wasn’t expecting you to come to me. I thought you’d confirm or deny what I’d asked in my head. I didn’t mean for you to interrupt your duties to personally come tell me.”

“I’m a rather hands-on god by nature. You interrupted nothing that can’t wait a few moments while I set your mind at ease. Yes, all that you remember was real and did happen. I loaded pain onto you and you didn’t break from it but became stronger, pleasing me. I gave you pain you desired and you revelled in it, satisfying and arousing me. I offered you a position as an Agony and you accepted whole-heartedly, confirming what we both know is right for you and me.

“I’m allowing you to complete your duty to your nest before assuming your full role as an Agony since I understand how important service to your nest is to you. You’re not the first Buthydana I’ve interacted with although you are the most intriguing. You are the first Buthydana Agony I’ve had.

“While I am the God of Pain and Sorrow I want my worshipers and Servants to be happy and fulfilled in their interactions with me and their desire to serve me. As you’ve discovered, not all pain is bad and it is not only necessary but at times desired. I believe that it will be a fulfilling relationship for both of us.”

I was stunned at the relief that washed through me at hearing that everything had been real. I didn’t have a full grasp on the duties of an Agony beyond some generalizations Wae-Lan had told me but it was something I knew on a soul deep level I needed to do. I’d never considered joining any priesthood for any god but I also wasn’t a Priest of Wae-Lan. An Agony was something else entirely with a completely different purpose than a Priest although we were both Servants of his.

“Rise, Vasyl. Having you on your knees and naked before me tests my patience and restraint horribly. I greatly enjoyed the pain of denied pleasure, mine and yours, earlier but that’s not something I’m able to explore with you right now. I have other things I need to attend to shortly.

“If you desire it I’d like to continue to be intimate with you. You’re very different from most mortals I meet. It has nothing to do with what you just went through, what gender you are, how you think of yourself sexually or what you look like. Although I do admit that you are exceptionally pleasing to the eye. You’ve caught the attention of a god. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether that’s a good thing or not since many mortals, and even some gods, seem divided on the subject.

“I want to stress to you that despite having piqued my interest and just because we have enjoyed some intimate moments already, it doesn’t mean that anything more needs to happen. You are always free to say no to intimacy with me without any repercussions. Anything sexual we do is completely separate from your duties as my Agony and wholly unrelated. None of my Servants are required to have a sexual relationship with me and the vast majority don’t. It would be disappointing to not take things further with you because I feel that there’s a very strong pull between us but if that’s the way of it then that’s as it shall be.”

I stood quickly and stared at Wae-Lan, my heart thumping heavily in my chest at his words. The sensation of fullness quickly grew in my groin as my inseminator began to firm and push against the entrance of my body, demanding to be allowed to descend. It was uncomfortable to keep it from descending but it felt erotically good at the same time. I licked my lips and couldn’t have stopped myself from glancing down at Wae-Lan’s groin if he’d commanded me not to. I scowled because the flowing, ankle-length coat he wore completely obscured his lower half from my gaze.

“I’m sure you’re aware of how beautiful you are, Lord Wae-Lan. I’m also sure you know the stories that are out there about how good it is to share the bed of a god. I’ve gotten a taste. I want more. A lot more. It’s good to know I can say no to you about sex at any time but that’s not my answer to you right now. Right now it’s a yes, please. You’ve shown me things that I wasn’t consciously aware I enjoyed. I want to continue that exploration.”

“Wonderful. I’m very much looking forward to our next encounter. I’ll leave it up to you for when that’ll be considering all that you’ve recently been through. Tell me in prayer what you’d like and when and I’ll do what I can to make that happen. I may not be available when you pray to me but rest assured that I will hear your prayer and respond as soon as I can. You know from personal experience that I enjoy intimate pain play but I don’t need or want it constantly despite pain being my wheelhouse. Sex without pain play is very much fine with me so keep that in mind as well.

“And no, before you ask, I don’t care that you have an inseminator. Generally us gods place very little importance on the sex of our partner. I enjoy men and women in my bed equally. They each have their own unique charms. I’m much more interested in the individual than what may or may not be between their legs. That isn’t to say I’m not eager to play with what you’ll bring to my bed because I am. It’s been a very, very long time since I’ve had the delight of a Buthydana gracing my sheets.

“Not all think I’m beautiful, Vasyl. The marks on my face don’t wash off. They are symbol of my godhood. Some find them frightening or off-putting and can’t get beyond that. Because of what I am god of many mortals fear what joining me in bed would entail. Perhaps rightly so as pain play is not for most people and pain play with me is only for a very select few. I’m also not like the Buthydana you’ve been with when it comes to what’s in my pants,” Wae-Lan warned.

“You’re not Buthydana and are a god so I’d assumed that what was in your pants would be different from what I’m used to,” I replied as I looked back at his face. “I don’t understand how someone could look at you and not think you’re beautiful. They must be stupid and blind.”

Wae-Lan laughed. “You do lovely things to my ego among other parts of me. I don’t have an inseminator as you do. I have a cock and balls that are outside my body at all times. I’m not sure if you’ll find that distasteful since it’s not what you’re used to. If you want penetrative sex with me and you’re turned off by the appearance of a dick we can try other things to satisfy both of us.”

“I know a lot of other species typically have their reproductive parts dangling in the wind and what that looks like in a general sort of way. I’m a shepherd for the herds of wanaku my nest keeps. I’ve wrangled them when they breed so a hard dick and full balls swinging between the legs during sex isn’t as unfamiliar to me as it is for other Buthydana. I’m aware that my people are unique for how we’re built for reproduction including the fact that we can morph to another sex. I’m curious to see an external cock and balls on non-animals for myself and it’s certainly not a deal breaker for me if my lover has that arrangement. At least I don’t think it’ll be one.

“I am aware that if I desire to be penetrated now it will mean my taking it in the ass and I’m utterly fine with that, too, in case you were wondering. I liked anal when I was a rilli and I highly doubt that’s changed especially since so much appears to have stayed the same after I morphed. I do want to test out getting my inseminator into someone for my pleasure but I figure that will have to wait a bit while I get used to having one and am primarily using it to breed ferres. That is why I morphed after all. Honestly, I’m not really looking forward to the breeding of ferres very much since females don’t arouse me.”

“I can guarantee you that what’s between my legs doesn’t look like a wanaku’s,” Wae-Lan said with a chuckle. “I’m sure that what I have will be far more aesthetically pleasing to you.”

I giggled. “That’s a relief. Their balls are huge and furry and their dicks weren’t all that impressive given that a wanaku’s back comes up to my hip. The first time I saw one I was underwhelmed at the size.”

“You’re delightfully direct with me, Vasyl. That’s a rare treat from a mortal. You will notice some physical changes over the next few days that’s related to becoming my Agony. Contrary to what you might think you won’t feel anything as this happens. I do not hurt without cause and there is no reason for this to be painful.

“You’ll develop some dark markings around your eyes and your lips will change colour to black or shades of grey. It’s the result of a tiny bit of my Divine Will being infused into your body so you can carry out my will as an Agony. The marks vary somewhat by individual so even I don’t know what the look of them will turn out to be. I think the marks look striking but obviously I’m quite biased about it.”

I wasn’t an overly vain person but I did feel a touch nervous about the marks I’d develop. What if I didn’t like them? Could Wae-Lan change them or was I stuck with whatever I got? I wanted to ask but at the same time I didn’t want to keep him from whatever I’d pulled him away from for longer than necessary. That would be rude. I’d have agreed to become an Agony anyway if I’d known in advance about the marks. I knew deep within me that it was the right thing for me and once I decided on a course of action I was all-in.

“That’ll raise questions for sure. Do I keep it a secret about being your Agony? I could try passing the marks off to something weird with my morph. People would maybe buy that since a bunch of things were unusual for me. Is my being an Agony going to cause any sort of problem when it comes to my breeding ferres? You said I have some of your divine will infused in my body. Am I going to spawn godlings or demi-gods or something when I impregnate ferres? Is that even possible?” I asked with a sort of horrified curiosity.

“No, Vasyl, you won’t. My divine will swirling through you marks you as one of my Servants and gives you the ability to carry out my will as I instruct you. You would never be able to create a demi-god. That’s not how the divine will within you works. There’s no need for you to keep it a secret that you’re my Agony now unless you feel the need to keep it to yourself. You have my protection as an Agony but I won’t save you from wilful stupidity. I don’t see that being a problem as we both know you’re not stupid.”

I was relieved to hear I wouldn’t be creating any demi-gods with the children I spawned. The world didn’t need any more demi-gods running around in it than there already were. Honestly, from the stories I’d heard about demi-gods, they seemed to be created solely to cause trouble for mortals and gods alike. I thought there should be stricter rules about creating demi-gods but what did I know. I wasn’t a god. Maybe they did serve some purpose other than creating chaos.

“As much as I’d love to stay and chat with you while you’re still so deliciously naked and clearly becoming aroused, I have other things demanding my attention,” Wae-Lan said with a regretful sigh.

It aggravated me the tiniest bit that I could feel my inseminator peeking out between my legs when I’d been trying to keep it within me. Brenn said with practice and exercise of specific muscles in my groin I’d be able to control that better. He’d also warned me that sometimes there was nothing we could do to stop it from descending. Learning to control when my inseminator descended couldn’t happen fast enough in my mind.

“Can I pray to you for help for things not involving pain or sorrow? Obviously I’ve no idea what your boundaries are regarding what I can and can’t ask you for since I’m brand new to being an Agony. I assume you’ll tell me all of that somehow or maybe direct me to somewhere that I can learn. I’ve prayed to gods before but it was always a casual sort of thing if you know what I mean. I didn’t follow any one particular god. I didn’t even know your name before you appeared to me.”

“You are my Agony; a special Servant that carries out my Will as I direct you. Pray to me whenever you wish for whatever reason you have. I will always hear you and I will always respond. It may not be in the way you hoped or wanted but I am always with you now. I can be your strength and support if you’ll allow it. I’ll send another Agony to you to help you learn and understand the finer details of being an Agony.

“You may not have known my name but deep within you, you knew me. You only needed the right push to call to me. And before you ask, no, it wasn’t me that decided to visit the pain you felt from the morph on you. I was told by Fate to do that. Even a fellow god doesn’t buck Fate because that never, ever, ends well for the other god.

“I am aware of all the pain and sorrow suffered by all living things because that is part of my godhood. I’m always intrigued by those that enjoy pain in their pleasure and I take note of them. I rarely present myself though as most wouldn’t be suitable for me to play with for a variety of reasons. You are different. So different that Fate has seen fit to twist our threads together and directly tell me to visit you. I can’t see the breadth of the pattern she’s weaving as she is exceptionally closed-mouth about her Work. Frustratingly so. Eventually we’ll see the pattern and she has told me it’ll be beautiful and wondrous when it’s complete; whenever that is,” Wae-Lan said with a little shrug.

I stared at Wae-Lan. Why would Fate do that? I wasn’t anything special. Or at least I didn’t think I was. I was a simple shepherd. Or was a simple shepherd that was now a Servant of a god. I couldn’t use magic beyond the basic stuff most Buthydana did. There were a few who had the gift of big magic but I wasn’t one of them. I was decently smart but wasn’t a scholar by any stretch. I didn’t have any outstanding talent in any area unless you counted getting dumb as a rock wanaku to go where I wanted them to most of the time but any competent shepherd could do that. I was beautiful, yes, but I had nothing to do with that. It was simply very good breeding.

I wasn’t sweet or kind for the most part. Brutally blunt was frequently applied to me and those words were one hundred percent true. To say that I had a sometimes harsh personality was being vastly polite. I was secretive at times and jealousy was probably my biggest fault. I was not a social person which was seen as odd among the very social Buthydana. I was incredibly loyal to those that earned my trust but vicious and ruthless to those that betrayed it. I couldn’t think of anything about myself that would make Fate specifically tell Wae-Lan to visit me personally and that our interaction would create a beautiful and wondrous pattern when complete.

“Don’t bother trying to figure out what Fate has planned, Vasyl. Only her and maybe Hylocereus know what’s in store and neither are sharing with anyone else. Just know that despite how it sounds; the final outcome is not set in stone. We all have free will as much as that likely irritates Fate and Hylocereus. They can certainly strongly nudge things in particular directions to attempt to get specific results but that doesn’t need to be the direction you or I decide to take.”

Wae-Lan vanished and when he did, a subtle pressure I hadn’t been consciously aware of went with him. Now that it was gone I felt a little bereft and like a comforting hug I’d been enjoying had ended before I wanted it to. That was weird but I’d probably be thinking that a lot now until I adjusted to my new role as his Agony.

I left the washroom and headed back to my pallet suddenly tired and feeling like a nap was the best thing I could possibly do. Brenn asked if I was alright and said I’d been in the washroom for a good bit of time. I nodded and told him I was tired and felt like I needed a nap. He gave me a concerned look but said to do what my body demanded. I lay back down and dropped off to sleep moments after my head touched the pillow. I knew there would be questions not only about aspects of my morph but when I announced my becoming Wae-Lan’s Agony. It was going to be an interesting next few days.


	3. Chapter 3

** Chapter 3 **

When I woke again Brenn told me our warriors hadn’t been able to track down the Dana honey slavers that raided our nest. The people they’d taken were gone as if into thin air and it was doubtful we’d see any of them again dead or alive. He said one of my sisters had been found buried under some debris from a collapsed store but that she didn’t make it. My morph-brother and brother were still on the missing list and were presumed captured.

I’d cried for hours after hearing that, the grief heavy. My immediate family was basically dead. A good number of my extended family was also dead or missing. After three weeks without finding them it was assumed that the ones on the missing list had been captured. Brenn offered what comfort he could initially but I could see that he was dealing with grief of his own. Nobody in the nest had escaped losing someone near and dear to them.

I’d curled into a ball and wept when Brenn left me alone. I hadn’t felt alone though. Wae-Lan was with me, comforting me, although he wasn’t physically beside me. It helped a lot although I selfishly wished he’d come to me personally and hold me while I cried my eyes out at all I’d lost. The sorrow and pain I felt, while not physical pain, hurt worse than what I’d felt during my morph.

Wae-Lan told me that while he could take away the sorrow and pain I felt; it would only hurt me further in the long run to do that. He said I needed to experience the pain of my loss so I’d be able to make peace with it and move forward with my life. To not do that would stunt me in ways that I’d never recover from. He was deeply apologetic that I needed to suffer but said he’d be with me through it all and to lean on him for support when I needed it.

I still felt crushing grief but I didn’t feel like I was alone in it or that it would grind me to dust. It was going to be hard but I wasn’t the only one who’d lost family and friends. There wasn’t a person in the nest who hadn’t lost multiple someones. We were all suffering the sorrow of losing loved ones.

Brenn and the other guides were shocked when I told them that I’d been visited by Wae-Lan, the God of Pain and Sorrow, during my morph, and that a large part of the pain I’d suffered had been because of him but that I’d agreed to it and that I was now an Agony of his. The guides immediately, and rightly so, called the council and those responsible for breeding selection to speak to me about what would happen next.

I spoke to the council and breeding selectors and aside from everyone being stunned at the turn my life had taken, accepted it and moved on. There wasn’t an option to do otherwise and Buthydana were generally very practical people. I said that I’d been given special leave to complete my duties to the nest to breed but once I was done I’d go where Wae-Lan directed me as his Agony. I told them I would make all efforts to remain part of the lives of the children I spawned and that Wae-Lan understood that, but that my time with my children could be erratic due to my being an Agony.

My duties to breed wouldn’t be overly long; three, maybe four years at most. The breeding selectors kept careful records of lineage to ensure our nest stayed strong and diverse. There was the possibility that I’d be called to breed years down the road but that was pretty common. Some ferres that would be good breeding candidates for me likely weren’t ready yet to bear young. Physically they were fertile and able to have children but the nest wouldn’t endanger them mentally or emotionally by requiring them to bear young before they were ready for it. That wasn’t how we did things in the nest and it would be counter-productive to having a healthy nest.

I’d be given plenty of notice prior to a breeding appointment and a little time beforehand to meet the ferres I was to breed. If either of us objected to the breeding because we disliked one another on a personal level, it didn’t happen and another breeding partner would be selected for both of us. Our breeding was purely a medical procedure but the children that resulted from it would have both of us involved in their lives. Having us hating each other from day one wasn’t good for healthy, well adjusted children. I would also have some breeding obligations to other nests although those would be much fewer in number.

The marks of Agony I received were stunning in my opinion. The ones around my eyes certainly didn’t help me look any less female but I didn’t care. I thought they were beautiful. It looked like I was wearing black eye shadow that was also smudged in a thick line that followed the shape of my lower eye lid. The colour change to my lips emphasized the fullness of them and I thought it looked pretty. My top lip was black with the very centre dark grey while my bottom lip was light grey. The marks highlighted the feminine aspects of my features and I was surprisingly okay with that despite my not feeling like I was a rilli anymore.

Parts of my body were certainly male and I felt more male than before the morph but aspects of me still felt female in my head. The division of male/female wasn’t a static thing though as some days I felt more masculine while other days I felt more feminine. It was frustrating and confusing as I swung between the two. Thank the gods I was left to my own devices for the most part since I could become a bitchy bastard over the smallest thing as I tried to sort myself out mentally.

Brenn said that was common when a morph went through the process for reasons other than feeling they were born with the wrong gender. He also told me that my body was still adjusting from being female sexually to being male sexually and the hormones flooding my system were a chaotic mess at the moment as the female aspects dropped to lower levels and the male aspects rose higher. He said it would level out eventually but needed time for that to happen. Generally the hormones settled after about two weeks but it varied from person to person. Since my morph was unusual all the way around Brenn had no idea if that two week timeframe would be right for me.

I was required to speak with Brenn twice a week as he helped me adjust to being a morph and I was grateful for that. There was definitely far more involved in a morph than just going through the physical change. There was a shit load of stuff that was mental and even a little emotional as well. Or at least I felt that way about it. My conflicting thoughts and feelings about what I was supposed to be now as far as gender went weren’t helping either.

Brenn had strongly warned me of that mental and emotional aspect multiple times telling me I could still change my mind for the first four dosages of the morph inducer. Before I took the fourth dose he’d again cautioned me that it was my final chance to change my mind. I’d spoken at length with other morphs who’d gone through the change for the good of the nest before taking that final dose, too. Even after hearing their personal stories of the difficulties they’d had, I was determined to go through with it.

I was absolutely convinced that if I hadn’t morphed I never would’ve met Wae-Lan and become one of his Agonies. The idea of that never happening was very distressing. I wasn’t even a full Agony yet but the idea of not being one bordered on painful on multiple levels. I’d enjoyed my job as a shepherd but I now felt like I’d found my true calling as an Agony and I was eager to step into the role I’d agreed to.

Wae-Lan sent an Agony to me as he said he would. I’ve no idea why I assumed the Agony would be a Buthydana when Wae-Lan had told me I was the first Buthydana to be one. Gabek was a Water Elf and if I’d been asked if he was an Agony, face markings aside, I’d have said no way in hell. He exuded placid calm and gentle acceptance. Not that I thought an Agony was supposed to be a seething cauldron of pain but he was just so... not what I expected.

Gabek was pleasant looking but didn’t stand out in any way on first meeting him. He was average height and build and had average looks. He was past middle age but not quite into senior territory yet although I didn’t think he was that far off from it. He was comfortable to be around for the most part and I enjoyed his company. It wasn’t until he began to teach me the things I’d need to know as an Agony that I realized there were untold, dangerous depths that hid behind his calm exterior and it would be foolishness of the highest order to provoke him.

Plainly put, the man was stunningly skilled at bringing pain and he made it look effortless. It was masterful and awe inspiring and I wanted to be able to do that with a burning desire. He was endlessly patient with me as he filled my head with the things I needed to learn and had smiled when I told him I wanted to be able to do what he did.

He’d been an Agony for three hundred and two years so obviously had an immense amount of experience under his belt. I’d need to devote myself completely to training and work extra hard for decades to come even marginally close to his skill. Once I realized that it was my new life goal and I was incredibly focused when I set my mind to something. Honestly it would be perfectly fair and true to say I became obsessive over things when I wanted to succeed at something.

An Agony delivered pain to the person Wae-Lan directed them to; the Agony’s body acting as the control medium between Wae-Lan’s power and whoever was receiving the pain. An Agony also took pain from someone at Wae-Lan’s direction, which was something I hadn’t thought was one of the things he did as a god. I’d assumed he either gave pain or helped a person bear it. The vast compassion I’d sensed in him when I first saw him made so much more sense once I learned that.

Not everyone who suffered pain was visited by an Agony. We took care of special cases for Wae-Lan while he managed the pain and sorrow of the rest of the world. I understood better now why Wae-Lan asked me to become an Agony after testing what I could take. I also understood now that he hadn’t been testing me for his purposes but had done it to show me what I could take. He already knew my limits because he was the God of Pain.

Enduring all manner of pain over and over again on a daily basis and not breaking from it wasn’t suited to the vast majority of people. Someone could have a very high pain tolerance and seem like a good candidate to be an Agony but there was more to it than that. You needed a strong will and equal parts compassion and cruelty. You needed to have rock solid resolve to use that compassion or cruelty as directed by Wae-Lan regardless of your thoughts or opinion on whether the person deserved what they were getting or not.

Taking away the correct amount of pain, according to Gabek, was just as hard as giving the correct amount of pain. Wae-Lan gave his Agonies very specific orders and while extremely minor variances were tolerated since Agonies were not gods and therefore not perfect in our actions, we still had to be very precise. Too much pain could kill a being. Too little and the consequences could be equally as disastrous for what was supposed to happen. To be an Agony was much harder and more involved than I thought it would be but I loved a challenge.

My training started with Gabek causing me to feel various types of pain in varying degrees. I’d been a little nervous at first but his explanation of my needing to know what specific types of pain felt like in order to deliver the pain that Wae-Lan tasked me with made complete sense. There were far more types of pain than I’d thought and it seemed like a bit of a daunting task; especially for the types of pain I’d never have genuine experience with like childbirth or having the membrane of a wing shredded.

The pain experience wasn’t a one-way thing either. The pain Gabek gave me was shared in full by him. It was one of the reasons that an Agony had to be able to withstand incredible amounts of pain and remain calm and accepting throughout the process. We couldn’t allow the pain we felt rule us otherwise we wouldn’t be able to carry out the duty Wae-Lan gave us. But we did need to understand it in order to know what kind and how much to give a person.

The first few times Gabek gave me pain Wae-Lan came and watched. He never joined in and stayed beyond my reach only observing what went on. I wanted Wae-Lan’s physical touch and was disappointed that I didn’t get it. I could, however, feel his godhood around and within me and that was almost as good. I did my best to stoically take the pain in silence or as close to silence as I could. I mostly succeeded, moans, groans and tears aside. I was rather pleased with myself over that. After all I was just starting my training and expecting perfection straight out of the gate was stupid.

Wae-Lan was impressed with how well I took the pain, which made me happy, but said I was missing the point of learning the various pains inflicted upon me. I was to experience the pain in its fullness and let it simply happen without trying to control it to truly understand it and be able to replicate it for whoever was supposed to receive it.

He said I was beautiful in my agony and I needed to let that agony shine through. He told me to let the pain consume me and to simply exist in that moment of bright, shining pain as I had when he’d flooded me with massive amounts of pain during my morph. He told me to accept the pain, to have faith in him and lean on him for strength and support.

Gabek gave me intense pain again and I did as Wae-Lan asked. I screamed and cried and thrashed around on the bed feeling like I was being ripped apart from the inside as some fierce, desperate beast frantically clawed and chewed its way out of me. It was hideous but oddly beautiful at the same time. Part of my mind desperately wanted it to stop while another part marvelled at the skill and competing variations of pain Gabek produced to create such agony.

My head spun and my brain wanted to shut down into nothingness to escape the pain. I fought to stay conscious. Passing out would be a failure and I hated to fail at a task. I needed help and Wae-Lan said he would give it. Prayer was a perfectly acceptable way for anyone to ask for Wae-Lan’s aid. I could certainly pray to Wae-Lan at any time and he’d always respond but this was not the appropriate situation for that. I had a special connection to Wae-Lan as his Agony and I needed to use that to get through what I was enduring.

I struggled to metaphysically reach for Wae-Lan’s strength and support. I’d never done it before so I wasn’t sure of what I was doing or if I was even doing it right. His voice was patient and soft in my head as he told me to let go, that he’d catch me and hold me safe. I felt like the pain would consume me whole and there’d be nothing left of me if I did that and it scared me. After what seemed like eternity to me but probably was only a few minutes at most I finally did what Wae-Lan told me to and put my faith and trust in him.

The pain was still very much there and just as intense but I didn’t feel like it would swallow me up and make me disappear. I felt safe and strangely serene. Wae-Lan supported me and gave me strength in a way that I couldn’t really describe but he wasn’t taking any of the pain from me. I was the one handling all of it. I absolutely knew to the depths of my soul that he’d never allow me to feel more pain than I was capable of bearing.

I was of a startlingly clear of mind and able to easily pick out the subtle nuances of the pain flowing through me once I used the strength and support Wae-Lan freely offered me. The pain stopped after a while and I was left lightly panting for breath with a film of sweat on my skin. Gabek looked like he’d been doing nothing more strenuous than reading a book in a sunny spot in a garden. There was the tiniest bit of dampness at his hairline but that was it. I was jealous and wildly impressed at the same time.

After a month of training with Gabek to understand the various types of pain he started training me to give pain. I hadn’t really thought about how I’d accomplish that without laying a single finger on someone. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. He wasn’t even starting off with specific types of pain. It was just pain in general with very broad levels of low, medium and high.

I could certainly do it once the mechanics of it were taught to me but regulating the levels and keeping them steady and exactly the intensity required over long periods of time was hard as fuck and twice as exhausting. It was like trying to herd wanaku across an open meadow during a thunder storm with a pack of dire wolves chasing you. Hard didn’t really even begin to describe it. I was utterly driven to succeed though.

Gabek came with me as I did my job as shepherd to continue to train me. He had never seen a wanaku before and offered to help me if I’d teach him what to do. I took a bit of malicious delight in him struggling and failing to do things right as a shepherd. It probably soothed my ego somewhat to know he could screw shit up, too, and wasn’t perfect.

Learning to take the pain from someone was a lot easier for me and Gabek was surprised at how well and quickly I caught on to what was necessary. I wasn’t an overly empathic person. Matter of fact others frequently called me harsh, brutally so at times. To take the right amount of pain from someone was worlds easier to me than to give it. Gabek said I had the right sort of touch to absorb pain from others and that he’d never had anyone he trained understand that aspect so fast. I’d felt a burst of sharp pride in that.

Gabek said each Agony usually did better in one aspect than another or worked better with some types of pain, giving and taking it, than others. He said Wae-Lan sent an Agony to someone that best matched what needed to happen with the talents of that Agony, which made total sense to me. I’d never realized what a huge orchestration of things it was for something as deceptively simple as feeling pain. And we hadn’t even started on the emotional or mental aspects of pain yet.

Having Gabek with me gave me the unexpected bonus of someone completely outside of Buthydana society to talk to. I was still in the process of feeling my way around how I wanted to present myself and having someone not Buthydana to interact with was a good thing in my mind. He was accepting and non-judgemental but also frank when telling me of other species in the world that I’d likely met through my work as an Agony and how they may react to me because of my looks and what was between my legs.

He’d asked me what I wanted to be addressed as when we first met, which was considerate and appreciated. He said he’d do his best to remember but that he would probably slip a few times at first and call me she/her because I looked so feminine. I couldn’t really fault him on that as I did look very feminine. I was also used to answering to she/her for my entire life but it felt a little weird now to be addressed that way.

We talked a lot during the day on a wide variety of subjects as I watched the herd since training to be an Agony wasn’t a good idea then. It was a bit strange at first to have someone to talk to when I was used to being alone but I got used to it quickly. After a week together Gabek told me that I seemed more like a male in the way I thought and spoke than the females he knew and wondered if that was a Buthydana thing since I was the first one he’d met and he wasn’t associating with any other Buthydana besides me.

He wasn’t the first person to tell me that even before I’d morphed. I was okay with that especially given that I was now a morph. I still didn’t feel overwhelmingly male but as time went by I started to feel a bit less female. I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about that. Sometimes I was glad and other times I wasn’t. Hopefully the more time that passed the less jumbled my head would feel and I’d figure shit out.

Before Gabek arrived I’d had some time and privacy to test out my new equipment. Before the morph I’d have said I had an average sex drive. After the morph I’d probably have the same level once the newness of having an inseminator wore off. I found myself thinking about my inseminator a lot and at completely random times. As soon as I did, it would thicken a little inside me and that would trigger mild arousal which would make it swell more. Shortly after that it would usually at least partially descend.

It was harder than I anticipated to keep it from descending when I didn’t want it to. I worked diligently on my groin muscles to learn control but I was starting to believe it really did have a mind of its own. It wasn’t exactly painful but it was uncomfortable to hold my firming inseminator inside me when it very clearly wanted to descend. It was arousing that it felt uncomfortable which made it firm further and be more uncomfortable to keep it sheathed within me which increased my lust. It was a continuous building loop of pleasure that I really liked a lot. The orgasm I got when I simply couldn’t keep my inseminator from descending was immediate and powerful.

When I let my inseminator descend to play with it before orgasming, I was irritated with myself that it seemed to be so sensitive. It took barely any time of stroking before I was blowing my load. I also didn’t like that once I orgasmed that was pretty much it for a while. I definitely missed being able to orgasm quickly multiple times. I could keep stroking it and it would eventually harden but it took far longer than I was used to as a rilli to reach orgasm again. Beyond how good it felt to jerk off I found it unexpectedly erotic to watch my hand move over my inseminator.

I even discovered that if I lay on my back and curled in really tightly, I could get maybe two inches worth of the tip in my mouth. I’d startled myself by coming almost immediately the first time I’d done that. Before the morph I wasn’t a fan of swallowing and that definitely hadn’t changed after. It made me feel really sexually naughty though to come in my own mouth and I liked that a lot even if I spit out my seed afterwards.

Before the morph I’d also liked it when my partner came over my tits. I still liked that now when I came over my own chest. I’d liked it a lot when my partner would come over my mound and I was eager to find out if I’d like it just as much if my partner came over my inseminator. I suspected that I would and couldn’t wait for confirmation of that.

Anal was definitely very good. I’d liked it before but now was better and I completely understood why the partners I’d had before liked it. Part of the internal changes of the morph was that I now had a prostate. As soon as a toy began teasing over it, my inseminator firmed and pushed out of my body. I was pretty sure I was going to utterly love it when it was my partner’s inseminator pressing on my prostate.

Or Wae-Lan’s cock pressing on my prostate.

I’d been thinking a lot about sex with Wae-Lan. He’d told me to choose when I’d like that to happen. Part of me screamed for immediate action. Part of me wanted to get a better grip on my desire so I didn’t pop off like a randy wanaku the second Wae-Lan touched me. Potentially fatal embarrassment at coming the moment my inseminator descended won out and I held off telling Wae-Lan that I wanted him to fuck me now. I intended to work a bit on my control and then arrange to join him in bed.

Two months after my morph I was told that there was a suitable ferres for me to breed. I was equal parts nervous and excited. I thought it was kinda funny that none of my excitement had anything to do with sex with a ferres but with having my first experience at sex with an inseminator and another person instead of my hand.

The ferres, Stayna, was an older Buthydana selected specifically because she’d previously breed with two other morphs who’d changed because the nest needed them to and they hadn’t been attracted to females either. Her age and experience with other morphs like me would make things easier and less stressful for my first time. Not only that, she was also one of the breeding selectors so had a huge amount of experience in dealing with all kinds of breeding issues.

Stayna was a lovely person, she’d aged very well and I liked her as an individual. She liked me as well, thought I was beautiful and said my sometimes blunt nature was a dash of refreshing honesty. I still didn’t feel a drop of desire for her when it came time to actually get down to the breeding part of our interaction although it did boost my ego to know she found me sexually attractive. I’d approached the intimate part of what needed to be done with determination to give it my all. But there was apparently no getting around the fact that females stirred absolutely nothing lustful within me no matter how hard we tried to coax a response from my body.

It took only a few minutes for Stayna and I to realize that her hands on my inseminator wasn’t helping at all and was in fact hurting our cause. The breeding wasn’t a romantic or erotic event that demanded any sort of wooing or even foreplay on my part. It was a necessity and was viewed by both of us as a functional duty for the continuation of the nest. I masturbated to make my inseminator hard but as soon as I entered Stayna it went as limp as an overcooked noodle. The more times I tried, the longer it took to get hard. I had the equipment but it refused to operate as required despite my trying everything I could think of to get it to perform. It didn’t even have to stay hard for very long but I still failed as soon as I put it where it needed to be.

Stayna was wonderfully kind and patient and she’d have my undying gratitude for her words and manner when it became obvious that I wasn’t going to be able to perform in the standard way. I was so mad at myself that I felt my eyes prickle with unshed tears of frustration. I’d gone through a huge physical transformation and was dealing with some mental and emotional issues related to that stuff as well and it seemed like it was for nothing because my stupidly sensitive and eager inseminator decided to not be that way when I needed it to be.

Stayna calmed me down and said the breeding selectors thought things would go that way because I’d said before the morph that I wasn’t attracted to females and that almost never changed after a morph. They were prepared in case my inseminator wouldn’t firm and stay that way when faced with having to penetrate a ferres. I knew it was sort of expected that I wouldn’t be able to breed a ferres on my own but I was still upset with myself over it.

I burst out laughing when a very handsome male, Pellios, that I’d been introduced to and admired earlier walked into the room stark naked and said he’d get and keep me aroused so I could breed Stayna. They’d stared at me like I’d lost my mind while I’d cackled helplessly at what I strongly suspected was the work-around that had been mentioned to me before.

Sometimes a male wanaku didn’t want to breed a specific female. When that happened, a female he did want to breed would be brought to him and he would be teased into a frenzy while blindfolded. At the last possible moment the female he desperately wanted to breed would be switched out with the one he didn’t want to mount. If the event was timed right the male would blindly mount and thrust frantically into the female he hadn’t wanted to breed, ejaculating shortly after getting his cock into her.

As a whole I was a lot smarter than a wanaku but apparently my inseminator was at about the level of dumb as one because the same trick that worked on a stubborn wanaku male worked for my inseminator. Pellios blindfolded me before he stroked and teased my body relentlessly until I felt like I was standing on the very edge of orgasm, desperate to come. He moaned and demanded that I enter him so we could both find relief and I was beyond eager to comply. His hands guided my inseminator into warm, wet, tightness that had me gasping at how good that felt. It only took a few thrusts before I was blowing my load.

Once my inseminator softened and slipped out, the blindfold I’d had on was removed. I’d managed to breed Stayna and she congratulated me on doing what was necessary, hugging me warmly. I’d blushed deeply and felt relieved that I’d been able to do my duty. I wasn’t done though as the process would be repeated over several days to ensure I impregnated Stayna.

I soon revised how dumb my inseminator was because after the second time we used the blindfolded teasing trick, it didn’t work. Pellios would do an absolutely stellar job of bringing me right to the edge but the moment I got my inseminator into Stayna and started to fuck her it would soften and no amount of touching and encouraging words from Pellios would get it to respond how we needed it to.

Stayna hugged me and calmed me down when I’d burst into tears at that. She said my negative reaction to that breeding trick sometimes happened with a morph that was strongly unattracted to females and they still had things to try to make the breeding a success. Once I settled down Stayna asked how I’d feel about Pellios fucking me while I fucked her since I preferred males and that could be a way for me to get and stay hard long enough to impregnate her.

She said that males and morphs couldn’t keep themselves from getting and staying hard when their prostate was continuously stimulated. It might take longer for me to ejaculate because I’d be fucking a female when they weren’t what I desired but eventually it would be too much for my body to endure and I’d come. She warned me that, depending on how long it took for me to ejaculate, I might find that it would make my inseminator ache in an unpleasant way to be hard for a prolonged period of time. She said it didn’t happen often but it was a possibility.

I hadn’t needed to think about my answer at all. I was going to have a very handsome male that I found arousing fuck me and there was a chance that I’d have a little pain mixed in with the pleasure? Oh, yes fucking please.

I was nodding and saying yes I wanted to try that as soon as she finished speaking. Stayna said Pellios would fuck me for a few minutes to make sure I was good and ready for her before he’d guide my inseminator into her. Just in case I got too excited and felt like I was going to come before I entered Stayna, I was to press down hard on the top of the slit where my inseminator descended from. That would keep me from being able to orgasm for a few minutes despite my inseminator descending. She warned me that it would be fairly uncomfortable for me to delay ejaculating that way. I was eagerly all over that idea.

Having an inseminator in my ass with the added bonus of a prostate was better than the toy I’d tested out on my own. It was so good that within two thrusts by Pellios I was blowing my load. My orgasm caught all of us off guard. I absolutely loved it when my reaction made Pellios hiss and rub his stinger against mine in excitement before he quickly pounded my ass and found his release as well. Stayna enjoyed the show and we’d had to wait for both Pellios and I to recover before trying again. Not that any of us minded that terribly.

Stayna and Pellios asked me pointed questions while we waited and then suggested that instead of letting my inseminator descend and firm before Pellios entered me, it would be best for breeding purposes if he slide his inseminator into me while mine was still within my body and more or less soft. I’d need to keep it within me as it firmed and not let it descend since it was physically impossible for a Buthydana to ejaculate while the inseminator was still sheathed inside the body.

Pellios warned me that I’d be extremely uncomfortable and quite possibly find it painful to do that. He’d fuck me until I was hard and then stop with his inseminator buried to the root in my ass. From there, I’d press against the top of my slit to hold back any orgasm and let my inseminator descend, ideally straight into Stayna. It would take a little coordination between the three of us but they both assured me that it wasn’t that hard to do once I got the hang of it.

I absolutely loved the feel of getting fucked while holding my inseminator inside me as it firmed. It was very uncomfortable with a unique sort of pain that I enjoyed quite a lot. I was utterly certain I’d play around with that sort of pleasure when I was masturbating and when Wae-Lan finally had my ass. Stayna was on elbows and knees in front of me and seeing her from behind probably helped me somewhat ignore that it was a ferres that I was about to penetrate. I let my inseminator descend and it slide smoothly into Stayna’s vagina on the first try. Pellios gripped my hips and keeping himself stuffed to the hilt in my ass, moved us as one unit, fucking Stayna.

It was wildly kinky to me and I adored it. I was actually a tiny bit disappointed that I orgasmed as quickly as I did. I still wasn’t attracted to females but I’d liked the experience a lot. The rest of my breeding of Stayna was done the same way and went smoothly. Two weeks later I was informed that she was pregnant. A note was placed in my breeding records of what I needed to perform and I was told I’d be notified when the next suitable match for me was found.

I’d had a few encounters with more than one lover at a time before the morph but none had been as arousing as what I’d done with Stayna and Pellios despite the fact that the entire purpose had been for breeding and no other reason. Part of that was likely the interesting pain component from forcing myself to hold my hard inseminator inside me but an even bigger and unexpected to me aspect involved me getting fucked while I was fucking someone.

I’d assumed that I’d like fucking a partner with my inseminator. While I didn’t have the opportunity to nail Pellios’ ass because that wasn’t the purpose of having him there, I had felt pleasure for the short periods of time that I’d fucked Stayna as long as I hadn’t thought of her as a female. It made perfect logical sense to me that when I finally got my inseminator into some male ass; I was going to like it even more. My only difficulty was going to be finding a male who wanted that. Or a morph that looked more male than female that wanted to be penetrated. There was a world of difference between enjoying a finger in your ass and having an inseminator stuffed up your ass in my opinion.

There was all kinds of time for that exploration and while I was eager to test it out I would be patient. Learning about my new sexual kinks was exciting but I had a lot of other things on my plate that were more pressing. I had more potential breeding appointments, my job as a shepherd to continue doing, helping where I could to rebuild the nest and learning all I could from Gabek about how to be an Agony of Wae-Lan.

Unfortunately for my inseminator, getting to test out what thrilled it was at the very bottom of my rather full to-do list.


	4. Chapter 4

** Chapter 4 **

Sex with Wae-Lan was amazing beyond the fact that he was a god. Sometimes there was pain involved, sometimes there wasn’t. When the pain was part of our play he made me hurt in ways that were exquisitely arousing. When there wasn’t pain it was beautifully tender. I adored it either way. I would’ve loved to enjoy him much more often in my bed than I did but we both had things that demanded our time and attention, some of which were my duties as his Agony.

Despite two years passing since I morphed I still wasn’t free to devote myself fulltime to being an Agony. I was surprised at how much that chaffed me since preserving the nest and ensuring its prosperity was a huge deal to every Buthydana myself included. I’d still fulfill my breeding duty to my nest because I’d given my word. Being an Agony, even part-time as I currently was, gave me a sense of purpose and rightness that I hadn’t realized was missing from my life before.

Gabek had stayed with me for just over a year, teaching me the basics of what I needed to know before saying he had no more to teach me and that I now needed to practice and strengthen my abilities to advance further. We’d become good friends during our time together and he’d taught me a little about other species as well. He made a lousy shepherd but that was very obviously not where his talents were.

After Gabek told Wae-Lan I’d learned what was necessary, Wae-Lan started to give me small assignments to practice and hone my skills that wouldn’t take a large amount of time away from my obligations to my nest. Most of the assignments were fairly close to my nest, too, so I wouldn’t be away for prolonged periods of time. Gabek had come with me, shadowing me, for the first dozen or so jobs before telling Wae-Lan that I knew what I was doing and would be fine on my own for the type of work I was doing.

I more often worked to take pain away since that was my strongest skill set. Physical pain was the easiest for me to remove. Emotional pain was more draining to do. Mental pain, depending on the cause, was hit or miss for how easy or difficult I found it. Wae-Lan said I was gifted at taking pain which made me proud.

I’d been very nervous at first to do what I needed to as an Agony for real but once I started working it simply flowed for me. Wae-Lan told me I had an exceptionally gentle touch when taking pain from others which pleased me to no end. I visited pain on others, too, but I had a harder time with that under most circumstances. I needed to practice and work harder on that aspect of being an Agony as we were tasked with both taking and giving pain regardless of where or how we excelled or were held back by our natural talents.

Part of my giving pain difficulties was that I had a tough time separating my feelings from the job I was ordered to do. In general I was often a person of strong opinions. I was very aware that I wasn’t supposed to let my personal feelings colour how I did what Wae-Lan directed but it was hard not to. If I thought that the person who was to receive pain deserved it, I was vicious about it and it was almost ridiculously simple to pile the pain on.

Wae-Lan had chastised me for being too exuberant the first time I’d done that and gone a wee bit overboard. I’d delivered the correct type of pain but I’d given more than I was supposed to. It wasn’t a lot more but I’d knowingly done it and relished that the person was hurting a lot because I could make it happen. That was very unprofessional of me and I’d completely deserved the dressing down from Wae-Lan.

It was completely besides the point that the one receiving the pain was a Dana honey slaver and I had very strong negative feelings about those individuals. It was not my job to pass any sort of judgement on the ones I gave or removed pain from. That was Wae-Lan’s job as a god. I felt irritated with myself after the fact for letting my feelings interfere with my job. Wae-Lan’s disappointment in me hurt far, far worse than the pain I’d delivered. I’d utterly deserved his disappointment, too. After that I was extra careful to give or take only what I’d been instructed to which was sometimes really hard.

Visiting pain on children was exceptionally tough for me. That probably had something to do with the fact that I had children now. I’d successfully bred eight ferres in my nest and another two ferres in another nest. I didn’t see the children in the other nests very often but the one who was old enough to identify me knew who I was. The other was only a few months old but would eventually get to know who I was as well.

I anticipated getting more requests to breed especially from other nests since out of the ten children I’d spawned, two were males and three were ferres. I had so far proved myself to be an unusually high producer of fertile offspring, something always coveted by nests. I still needed to be fucked by either a male or a masculine morph while breeding a ferres and had to hold my inseminator inside me but I’d gotten that operation down pat now. I felt quite a bit of pride that the ferres I breed said I was professional and got the job done quickly and efficiently.

On the personal sexual front, I’d discovered that I didn’t have a strong preference either way whether I was the one getting fucked or the one doing the fucking. They were both good for different reasons. Sometimes I might want one position more than the other but I was usually content to take whatever role the other person wanted me to. If my partner didn’t care what position he took, I usually bottomed because I simply really liked being fucked. Regardless of the role I played in bed my partner still needed to be male or a morph that was strongly masculine looking. If a morph looked too feminine there’d be no arousal from me. That hadn’t changed one bit during my sexual exploration.

The majority of the time when I shared Wae-Lan’s bed I bottomed for him and I was utterly fine with that. Sometimes he wanted my inseminator in him but that was a bit of a rarity. I enjoyed fucking him when I had the opportunity but I liked his cock inside me more. Fortunately that worked out well for both of us.

I’d managed to find my gender identity or at least something I was comfortable with nearly a year after I morphed. It had been a long, confusing, frustrating road to travel but I had learned things about myself along the way which was a good thing. Once my hormones settled into predominately male levels my confusion of what I felt like in my head eased a bit and I stopped feeling torn between the two.

There was absolutely nothing and no one in Buthydana society that demanded I pick a gender. I could be both or neither if that was the way I thought of myself just as easily as I could be male or female. I felt strangely adrift and unsettled standing in the middle between male and female. Remaining in that headspace wasn’t the right place for me. I needed to know where I stood in order to feel comfortable in my skin.

I’d initially tried to live as I did before the morph but as more time passed after the morph, the less that felt like who I was now. I wasn’t entirely male in my head but I definitely felt more male than I did female. Not by a huge amount but enough so that I was eventually comfortable with and felt it was appropriate for others to use he/him when addressing me. I could’ve continued with they/them but I felt like I’d moved past that to a more male personality with very strong female traits.

My initial gender confusion wasn’t a big deal to other Buthydana. They simply carried on like normal after I told them what I preferred to be addressed as. Unless I or the person I was interacting with were actively trying to make a sexual connection with each other, we didn’t typically care what was between someone’s legs. Nor was it our business. Looks could be very deceiving where Buthydana were concerned even for other Buthydana because rilli were able to change sex and ended up androgynous as often as they continued to look feminine after their morph. It was seen as a common courtesy to ask what someone wished to be called if you didn’t know them and their preference when you first met.

Most Buthydana had a harder time with the idea that I wasn’t attracted to females at all than they did with my very feminine looks as a morph. That was not the norm for my people. Males being attracted to other males or masculine looking morphs was unusual for us as a people as well. It wasn’t taboo or anything but it was a rarer thing in Buthydana society. As a species, because of the ability to morph, we were very fluid in sexuality, something that wasn’t widely accepted or understood outside of our culture.

My choice of sexual partners within my nest was as small as Brenn had warned me it would be but it wasn’t like I had none. There was also the fact that I was sleeping with Wae-Lan whenever I could so it wasn’t like I was without company between the sheets. I had much fewer options than when I was a rilli but I’d expected that when I agreed to morph.

Among other species I caused a lot of unintentional confusion for them with not only the way I looked but some of my mannerisms and style of dress as well. I’d briefly thought about changing my hairstyle and some of the things I wore but it wouldn’t make any difference at all in making non-Buthydana think I was male just by looking at me. My features and figure were far too feminine by most species standards and there was nothing I could do about those.

Even if I wore my hair in a more traditionally male style and wore clothes that were generally masculine in nature, there was no way in hell I’d ever be mistaken for a male outside of Buthydana society. I was sometimes mistaken for a female in Buthydana society so I couldn’t fault other species that had little to no contact with Buthydana when they made the same mistake.

While I did ask others to call me by he/him, I still wore my hair in a more feminine style. I had longish nails and I frequently wore high heel shoes or boots when I wasn’t being a shepherd. I didn’t do it to deliberately confuse others. I felt the more feminine hairstyles flattered my features better; I liked longer nails because I thought they were elegant and some of my favourite shoes and boots were high heels that did wonderful things to make my legs seem impossibly long. I wasn’t overly vain but I liked to look eye-catching and sexy when I could. That hadn’t changed with the morph either.

I didn’t wear dresses or skirts but I’d rarely done that before the morph; shepherding not being an overly friendly profession for that type of clothes in general. I could’ve worn dresses or skirts during my down time or when acting as an Agony but I liked the convenience of pants and shirts better. Not long after my morph I’d taken a liking to wearing open shirts or jackets without a shirt under them. Having my chest bare for all to see appealed to me greatly probably because nobody bothered staring at it now that it was flat and unremarkable. I actually liked it a lot that I wasn’t Vasyl-with-the-amazing-tits anymore. Fine, I was now Vasyl-the-beautiful-femmorph but I was owning that title like nobody’s business just as I’d owned my previous one.

It amused me a little when I was told I was a beautiful woman and corrected the person to say I was male. Their expressions were always priceless disbelief mixed with a dash of are-you-sure. I wasn’t so amused when someone insisted on calling me female after I corrected them. That was rude but still preferable to what a few others did. It was unbelievably rude and a huge violation to grab someone’s crotch to “prove” their sex. Not that doing that to any Buthydana, male or female, would prove anything as far as obvious sexual organs went but that wasn’t the point and generally other species wouldn’t know that.

I was blunt at times but I’d never dream of demanding someone prove whatever they said their gender was or grope someone’s crotch. Unless we were about to fuck it really wasn’t anyone’s business but my own what I did or didn’t have between my legs. Unfortunately my thoughts on the matter were not always shared by the people I met out in the world.

The first time I’d caused intense pain to someone as an Agony that I hadn’t been directed to had Wae-Lan showing up ready to throw some punishment at me. The power he gave me was not to be used as I pleased or when I was angry or in the midst of a snit. I completely understood that and agreed with that rule one hundred percent. But I’d been in a bit of a desperate situation and felt that I could be forgiven for my misuse in that instance.

While I mentally felt more male than female and I most certainly was male as far as reproduction and the bits necessary for that went, I looked very female and wasn’t any stronger than the typical female. If a male decided to exert his greater strength against me I was screwed. Being an Agony didn’t afford me any extra strength or even magic-like abilities. To give and take all manner of pain without a hope of said pain being stopped and doing that in an instant without touching someone or casting a spell was the extent of the divine power I had. The only way to stop the pain I caused if I wouldn’t do it was for Wae-Lan to make it stop. The scope of the divine will I was granted was very narrow but it was some pretty powerful shit to have at my disposal.

I could sting someone to defend myself and my venom even in small doses would most definitely kill the majority of other species. But that also required me to have my tail free and in a position to sting someone. I could also simply stab someone with my stinger without injecting any venom and badly wound them that way, too. But again, I’d need to be in a position to strike and it was highly situational. I was not trained to fight and had never been in a physical confrontation in my entire life. I was pretty sure my attempt at throwing a punch would be laughable and completely ineffective.

Having Wae-Lan show up ready to bring down a little godly punishment was stunningly beautiful and arousing to me even though I knew I’d been the initial target of his irritation. The men who had their assault of me interrupted had a very different view of Wae-Lan. It would be absolutely true to say they experienced literal pants-wetting fear.

I’d been a little roughed up but considering I was an Agony, what they’d done to me was less than nothing as far as hurting me physically. I was pissed off by their insistence and determination to prove I was female by stripping my pants from me and exposing my privates. Not that what they’d see between my legs would prove to them I was male unless I let my inseminator descend, which I’d had absolutely no intention of doing. It was largely protected from harm when it was within me and there was no way I’d put it deliberately in harms way.

Wae-Lan angry was terrifying, awe inspiring and a little arousing to me. I knew he used next to nothing of his power to hurt the men who assaulted me. It was probably the same effort I’d use to squash a pesky bug that had been annoying me. The men on the other hand were rigid on the ground, their jaws clenched tight and their fingers curled into a claw-like position. I could sense their level of pain because that was something an Agony could do as easy as breathing.

Comparatively speaking, what I’d done to the one man and what Wae-Lan did to the men was like bumping your knee hard against a table leg versus a griffon slowly dismembering you limb by limb while tearing out your guts. And I actually did know what that would feel like because I was an Agony.

Wae-Lan told the men that I was his Agony and he was offended by what they’d attempted to do to one of his Servants. He said he’d release them from the pain they were enduring once his irritation eased in a few days. But as a reminder, for as long as they lived, he’d randomly bestow the same pain on them again for however long he felt like.

I hadn’t anticipated Wae-Lan bringing me back to his palace after that incident. Once there, I wasn’t expecting him to do nothing more than hold me close for several hours and have a quiet conversation with me. I wasn’t really hurt and he was intimately aware of that. I didn’t need any comforting although it was certainly nice and I enjoyed the attention. I’d stopped the men before anything more than a couple of punches and some torn clothes were the result. I was upset about my jacket being ruined because I’d only recently purchased it and it was the very first time I’d worn it.

There was a subtle change in the relationship between me and Wae-Lan after that incident. He didn’t necessarily visit me in person all that much more often but I felt his presence a lot more. When he did visit me we didn’t always have sex which was confusing at first. We hadn’t always had sex before when he visited but the majority of the time we did which I was absolutely fine with. We spoke a lot more about random things or did non-sexual things together like have relaxing picnic lunches on the beach or go browsing through a bazaar in some distant land he’d whisk me away to. One of my favourite moments was him taking me to a sheltered chokecherry grove where the trees were blooming yet the ground was thick with snow and engaging in a wild snowball fight with me among the gently falling flower petals.

I deeply enjoyed sex with him. Possibly I craved it. I loved it when he gave me pain just as much as when he didn’t. It felt right and natural to accept him into my body and on the rare occasions when I got my inseminator into him, it was hugely thrilling. I was still partial to him doing me the majority of the time though. I also really liked lying with him after we had sex and enjoying the after-glow of deep sexual satisfaction with him.

It took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out that he seemed to be courting me. When I bluntly asked him if that’s what he was doing he admitted it easily. I was confused and flattered and finally had to ask why he was courting me. He was a god and we were already fucking. I couldn’t think of any reason he’d want to make the effort to court me. His reply of, _“Because you’re Vasyl,”_ wasn’t an answer to me and it annoyed me that it seemed to be the only answer I’d get from him at the moment regardless of how hard I pressed him for more. It actually seemed to amuse him that I was being so persistent as to the why he was courting me which was a bit annoying.

I was his Agony but I was also mortal. My life would be over in a nothing amount of time to a god. Being his Agony didn’t extend my lifespan in any way and he’d been upfront about that from the beginning. Buthydana could live for about three hundred years. It was a very long time compared to humans but several other species lived twice that amount or even more. Demons could live for nearly a thousand years. Dragons could live ten times that long which was a truly boggling amount of time. Why would a god waste his time courting a mortal and me specifically?

Wae-Lan had smiled at me and said he’d been allowed a glimpse of some of Fate’s Tapestry and the design with our threads was already as beautiful as she’d told him it would be and it wasn’t yet complete. That made no sense to me but he refused to elaborate further. He said I’d eventually understand when the proper things were in place and the time was right. He irritated the hell out of me when he pulled that all-knowing godly crap. Fine he was a god and had likely forgotten more things than I’d learn in several lifetimes. That wasn’t the point.

I was developing deeper feelings for Wae-Lan with the more time I spent with him. I wasn’t sure what to do about those feelings and if I should let them continue to bloom. Was I setting myself up for heartbreak if I let myself fall in love with Wae-Lan? Would it affect my working relationship with him as his Agony if I did? What if he realized that it was a bad idea to get so involved with a mortal and one that was a Servant of his? Where would that leave either of us? Would I have to stop being his Agony?

I wasn’t afraid to love or open my heart to someone. I’d loved people before. I’d even been courted and proposed to a long time ago. I’d felt deep affection for the male but not enough to marry him. There was something about him that I couldn’t quite put my finger on that had made me decline his proposal. It wasn’t until several years later when his then wife dissolved their union that I found out my instincts were right in making me back away from him.

Nothing about Wae-Lan made me want to back away from him. Not even the fact that he was a god and I could be setting myself up for crushing heartache in the future made me want to stop getting closer to him. That was a bit scary but not at the same time which was really weird and confusing.

My former suitor had been milking his wife of the majority of her venom every few nights for years after doping her with a large dose of his pre-venom. He would then sell her venom to Dana honey slavers without her knowledge making himself a nice, easy profit. The poor rilli had felt constantly tired and worn down for years and could never quite figure out why. It wasn’t illegal for a Buthydana to sell their venom to whomever they damn well pleased although it was frowned upon. It was illegal to sell someone else’s venom whether they gave you permission to do so or not.

Producing venom took a good bit of energy from the body which was why we were cautious in using it willy-nilly or popping off with multiple stings in a short period of time. Saving your life was a different matter of course. Pre-venom wasn’t as potent as the full deal and would only paralyse and not kill unless large doses were used. It was not that taxing on the body to make more of it either. Pre-venom wasn’t as profitable to a Dana honey slaver because of its lower potency but I’d heard that they mixed it with something else to sell to addicts for a different type of high.

That suitor wasn’t the only one I’d had but he was the only one I’d had propose to me. Not that I thought for even one second that Wae-Lan had it in mind to propose to me. Did gods even do that with mortals? I kinda doubted it as it seemed destined for heartbreak for the god when the mortal died in what was probably a nothing amount of time to the god.

I still wasn’t sure what his end goal was in courting me. Was he looking to make me his mistress or concubine or whatever? I knew that sometimes a god would take a mortal as a regular bed partner for a time and more or less declare the mortal off limits to others. Was that what he was aiming for? He could’ve simply asked me to not fuck others, my breeding duties aside, and I’d have agreed. I liked him courting me but he didn’t need to if all he wanted was to be my exclusive partner.

I had plenty of time to think recently. Aside from the solitude of my job as a shepherd, Wae-Lan had sent me to someone to deliver pain. He directly placed me with the individual so I’d be ready to begin when necessary, which was typical. Getting back to my nest was frequently done on my own time unless the distance was something ridiculous. He could easily pop me back home once I was done but I selfishly liked the opportunity to travel and experience the world a little and he indulged me in that.

I’d delivered the pain of a difficult childbirth to a male which had shocked me. I didn’t even know that was possible. It was a long labour and the male, a type of demon, struggled mightily to birth his child. The partner of the demon was obviously worried sick and walked very close to panic the longer the labour went on. The mid-wife grew increasingly worried as the labour dragged on but continued her job in a calm and steady manner.

None of the people could see me or were aware I was there. When I gave or took away pain I was invisible and insubstantial as part of my abilities as an Agony. I could be visible and solid but unless Wae-Lan told me to do that it was standard practice to not let anyone know I was there. Being visible generally only led to confusion and fear. It was extremely rare for an individual to see me when I was carrying out my duties as an Agony but it sometimes happened.

It wasn’t my fault when others saw me despite my etherealness as an Agony doing my duty. Those people were usually very gifted magically or touched by the Divine themselves. Up until that childbirth assignment I’d only had two people see me during my work; one a very accomplished magic user and the other being Priest of another god. I was shocked and maybe a bit fascinated when the baby seemed able to see me. I wanted to know more so I asked Wae-Lan about it.

Wae-Lan said that the baby and the male who gave birth were Chimeric Demons. He said they were rare creatures and that each Chimeric Demon had a unique gift or talent. The baby seemed to have the ability to see the Divine or those touched by the Divine. He also told me that Chimeric Demons were unique in that males were able to become pregnant just as easily as females. I pestered Wae-Lan with questions as I rode in the coach back to my nest. It was a four day ride in good weather and helped to make the time pass since I didn’t feel like talking with my fellow travellers.

A day and a half worth of travel from my nest the horses pulling the coach began whinnying in fear and the coach briefly picked up speed before the driver got them under control. He stopped the coach and told us we could get out for a few minutes as he tried to calm the horses from whatever had spooked them. We were milling around, stretching our legs at the unexpected break when the ground suddenly shook and bounced around under our feet.

The horses whinnied frantically and bucked in the traces of the coach. Me and the other two people sharing the coach with me cried out in surprise and fear. I was knocked off my feet and landed on my ass but I was wearing wickedly high, spindly heels so my balance was not to be tested. I stayed sitting and covered my head with my arms and tail, a scared shriek escaping me as trees swayed and a few branches snapped off and fell to the ground. I heard what sounded like rocks tumbling in the distance. I prayed desperately to Wae-Lan and seconds later felt his presence before his arms settled around me.

Before Wae-Lan came to me I’d never been so frightened in my life.

As fast as the ground had started to tremble, it stopped. I clung to Wae-Lan with a death grip he probably would’ve had a hard time breaking without hurting me. I was fine as were my fellow travellers, the driver and horses but we were all shaken and scared. We were enroute to a mountain pass originally but the driver felt nervous about continuing forward. Wae-Lan deposited the driver, passengers, horses and coach back at the town we’d left a few hours previously and took me back to his palace.

Wae-Lan wanted me to rest and have a stiff drink, which I gratefully accepted, to calm my nerves. He held me in his lap as my fright started to ease. I’d heard about earthquakes before but I’d never experienced one personally. They were damn scary. I would’ve liked to have remained snuggled in Wae-Lan’s lap but there was a slowly building sense of dread settling in the pit of my stomach.

I felt Wae-Lan’s body subtly tense and the awful feeling building in me crested. I asked him to bring me to my nest and he looked at me with deep sorrow in his eyes. He nodded his head, stood, set me on my feet and took my hand in his.

“I didn’t know about this and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m sorry, Vasyl,” Wae-Lan said softly just before he took me to my nest.

I stared without comprehension at what I saw before me. I was suspended in the air next to Wae-Lan a good one hundred feet above what used to be my nest. Where there used to be shops and homes was only a fast growing sea of rapidly moving water littered with debris. The tops of some trees were visible in the water but it was probably only the uppermost five feet or so. The rest were either submerged or had been torn out of the ground. That meant the violent rush of water had to be at least twenty-five feet deep and my mind boggled at that. In the distance towards the foothills of the mountain I could see the leading edge of the immense river of water pushing upward and over the low foothills.

Debris churned through the water. Some debris was small like baskets or crates while other debris was large like doors or even partial roofs and walls. I thought I saw an arm waving wildly for just a moment before it was sucked under the rolling water. There were no other sounds but the noise of the water and the grinding, squealing and snapping of objects caught and being broken in the torrent. I didn’t want to hear people screaming in fear and pain but at least that would’ve meant someone was still alive.

“There was a powerful earthquake in the ocean floor a few miles away from your nest. A huge chunk of land was pushed upwards underwater causing a giant wave to form and race toward land. Your people barely had a few minutes to recover from the shaking of the ground and the damage that caused before the water was rushing in at them. Only those on the mountain tending the herds have a chance of surviving.

“Wu-Tyr, he’s the Elder god of Primordial Water, says that the wave caused by the quake hit a section of land on this coast five hundred miles long and was around one hundred feet high when it peaked. It was moving five times as fast as a dragon could fly. There was no way anyone from the towns hit could’ve outrun the water. By the time they recognized the wave for what it was it was already too late to get away,” Wae-Lan said as he pulled me into his arms.

I felt like I’d taken a punch to the chest from an enraged troll at Wae-Lan’s words. I actually knew how much that hurt so it was a completely accurate description. I’d have fallen to my knees in despair if he hadn’t been supporting me. My entire nest had been wiped out in a matter of minutes. That didn’t seem possible, the scale of destruction to huge to grasp. But I was looking straight at what used to be my nest and saw only churning water so I knew it had to be true.

There would usually be a dozen or so shepherds tending the herds in the mountain fields but it was shearing time. We’d drive the herds down the mountain to be shorn, have them checked over for general health and swap around members of the herds for breeding purposes before bringing the herds back to the mountain fields. The bulk of the herds and shepherds would be at the stockyard near the foothills but that area was underwater, too.

The caves we used for morphing weren’t that much higher up in the foothills than the stockyards. If the water had reached that high already, it would undoubtedly quickly flood the tunnels and chambers. There was a chance though that it hadn’t. It took a hell of a lot of effort but my training as an Agony stood me in good stead as I shut down the immense emotional pain I felt and focused on possibly saving as many of my remaining nest members as I could.

“We use a series of caves and tunnels for people who are morphing. It’s in the foothills and it might still be out of the reach of the water or maybe the water hasn’t flooded it yet. Take me there. There might be people we can save,” I demanded.

Wae-Lan nodded and suddenly we were at the mouth of the cave. The water hadn’t entered yet but it was likely only going to be minutes before it started to flow inside going by how fast it was moving up the hillside. There was no way I’d have time to go into the tunnels, gather people, if any were still in there, and get out before the water filled the tunnels trapping and drowning everybody within.

“I will do anything you ask of me, Lord Wae-Lan, in exchange for saving my people. If you demand my life, I’ll give it. I can’t let my people die without trying to save them,” I said as I went to my knees at his feet.

“I can’t let you do that, Wae-Lan,” said a male voice before Wae-Lan could speak.

I looked up to find a male facing Wae-Lan with a serious expression on his face. He had hair in shades of golden blond, light brown and mauve and there was a black line that seemed to be the large pupil of his eye dripping down from his lower lid. His eye didn’t seem to have any iris which was odd and a bit unsettling. His skin was the colour of parchment and he was a little shorter than Wae-Lan. His lips were black like Wae-Lan’s and he had a funny little curl in his eyebrow. He was beautiful and I could feel a godly aura attached to him. When he turned his head to look at me I gasped and couldn’t help the my recoil.

The entire left side of his face was devoid of flesh. It wasn’t a gruesome, fresh-blood-dripping sort of injury. There was no blood at all. The edges of skin weren’t rotting or disgusting looking either. The bone showing was a mellowed ivory shade. He had no eye in that socket and it was blacker than black although there seemed to be an almost rainbow swirl of colour in the depths of the socket that were vaguely hypnotic.

“Vasyl has already lost so much. This was his nest. Spare these few of his people, Rai-Sui,” Wae-Lan said.

“This is their time, Wae-Lan. Not even a godly favour can change that. They are destined to come to my realm today. I’m sorry,” Rai-Sui said with genuine regret in his voice. “The best I can offer is for Vasyl to say final goodbyes to them once they’re in my realm.”

I was torn between grief and hope at his words.

“Who are you that you could do that?” I asked.

“I am Rai-Sui, God of Death and Decay, Guardian of Souls.”

Given what his face looked like, the godly aura I could sense and what he’d said initially I should’ve put that together on my own.

“I would be very grateful to say goodbye, Lord Rai-Sui. Obviously I’d prefer to not have to say goodbye in such a permanent way but it’s better than not having the chance at all. Could I... could I say goodbye to family that passed away a few years ago? Is that possible? Would you allow me that?”

“It depends on whether they’re still in my realm or not. Some need to spend time in my realm before rejoining the Wheel. Others don’t. Tell me what you knew them as and when they died and I can tell you if they’re still with me.”

I immediately gave him the names of my family members and when they’d died. I explained about not being sure if my morph-brother and brother were alive or dead because they’d been taken by Dana honey slavers. Rai-Sui was quiet for several long seconds before saying that my father and youngest sister were still in his realm. My mother, sister and brother had already joined the Wheel and their souls existed in new shells. My morph-brother hadn’t entered his realm so was still alive.

Excitement surged through me. If my morph-brother was alive that meant there was a chance I could find them.

“Do you know where they are? Can you tell me? Please. They’re all I have left of my family,” I begged.

“Their soul is heavily damaged. I can tell you where they are but there is not a lot of time left for them. They will not be as you remembered them and very likely won’t know who you are. It will be a kindness when they breathe their last. It would be best if you don’t go alone to retrieve them. The individuals keeping them captive would be beyond happy to add you to their bed slave menu.

“I am sorry for the pain of your loss here, Vasyl. Lean on Wae-Lan in your sorrow. That’s his job and your right as his Agony. Beyond that, he wants you to take his comfort and strength because he cares about you a great deal. You have a lovingly fierce soul, Vasyl. Go now. I have much work to do and it would be best for you not to see what I need to do here as it will only compound your sorrow.”

One moment we were outside the cave and the next we were in a mountain field with a herd of wanaku grazing a little distance away. I looked at Wae-Lan and opened my mouth to say I hadn’t gotten the location of my morph-brother from Rai-Sui and that we needed to go back.

“Rai-Sui told me where your morph-brother is. I’ve removed them from the brothel they were a slave to and put them in a room in my palace. They’re not in pain now but will be later when the need for more of the drug they were being given wears off. They are in very poor shape, Vasyl.

“We’re here now so you can warn the shepherds not to leave the mountain for a while. I’d offer to bring them to another nest but all the villages and nests reasonably close to yours have been destroyed by the wall of water. Rai-Sui said some members in other nests survived as well but there’s very few of them. He’s told me where they are because he knows the exact location of every soul whether it’s in this world or his realm. If you or another Buthydana knows of a nest over the mountains I can bring the other survivors there,” Wae-Lan said.

“Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Lord Wae-Lan,” I said as I went to my knees and bowed low, my forehead touching the ground near his feet. “This means more to me than I’ll ever be able to express.”

“It is the least I can do for you and I’m frustrated that I can’t do more despite being a god. I’m not doing this as your God but as your lover. It pains me to see you so upset and filled with sorrow and it is most definitely not a good or desired pain. I wish there was more I could do. Rise, love. You have work to do for your people. I’ll be beside you the whole time. Lean on me and draw strength from me. You are not alone through this or anything else that comes your way.”

I stood and kissed Wae-Lan gently on the lips. I straightened my spine, held my tail curved high and focused on getting through the next little while. I wasn’t a leader sort of person but the remaining people of my nest needed to know what happened and what their options for the future were. Other Buthydana needed to know what was happening, too. Right now I was the one with the most information and resources so until someone better came along, I’d do the job thrust onto me to the best of my abilities.


	5. Chapter 5

** Chapter 5 **

There were eight shepherds left from my nest, not including myself, and two hundred and seventeen wanaku. From the other four nests that were reasonably close to mine and had also been devastated by the wall of water we managed to find another twenty-four people. Five nests with roughly twenty-one thousand people in total reduced down to thirty-two individuals not including myself. That was hella depressing.

None of my children survived. That was a grief so crushing I didn’t even know what to do with it. I hadn’t been overly involved in their lives and I deeply regretted that now. I thought there’d be more time. They were still all so very young, the oldest wasn’t even two yet, and barely knew me but I’d assumed as they got older I’d get to know them more. Only now it was too late.

Wae-Lan brought me to Rai-Sui’s realm a few days after the disaster and I was allowed to say goodbye to my family and friends that were still there. It was weird and not at all like what I thought it would be like but I treasured the opportunity. They existed as souls in Rai-Sui’s realm and while a lot of them looked mostly like I remembered, they were sort of vague around the edges and sometimes lost some of the definition of their features as we talked. I felt a tiny bit better and some of my sorrow eased at being able to say goodbye.

My morph-brother, Jalein, was.... Rai-Sui had not exaggerated when he said it would be a kindness when they breathed their last. They were beyond thin and well into gaunt. Their hair was coarse and without any lustre. The chitin of their tail had hairline crazing all over it from poor nutrition and stress. Their eyes were dull and empty with none of the kindness or joy that had always been there.

Past all of that there seemed to be virtually nothing of my morph-brother left inside. I was willing to swear that their soul was very nearly dead. It fucking broke my heart and threw me into a towering rage to see them like that. It was a good thing I had no idea where Jalein had been plucked from because I was certain I’d have done something monumentally stupid in retaliation for what had been done to Jalein. Like go to the brothel and slam the highest, most vile pain I knew of into the owners of the place so they’d tell me where the slavers were so I could go do worse to them.

Jalein’s horrible condition was because they were heavily addicted to the drug nifer, a thick, dark red, sticky substance from a flower bulb that was licked off a stick or, with those deep into addiction, their own skin. Applying nifer to the skin, usually the inner wrist, caused it to also be absorbed slowly through the skin, effectively giving the addict an extra boost of the drug passively.

Nifer could be used in small, careful doses to lessen pain but even then it was not hard to develop a dependency on it. My best guess was that after cutting off Jalein’s stinger when they couldn’t reliably produce venom anymore, they were piled up with the drug to keep them from constantly screaming in pain and sold then off to a brothel. Before the nifer addiction my morph-brother was a cute, androgynous looking Buthydana morph and had more than likely sold for a good bit of coin.

Once sold to the brothel it probably worked in the brothel’s favour to keep Jalein doped to the eyeballs. They wouldn’t protest anything being done to them because of the drug and as long as more was provided, the brothel didn’t have to worry about any pesky escape attempts or objections to whatever any client wanted to do.

Wae-Lan asked Lord Kai-Wen, God of Healing, to come and fix Jalein. Kai-Wen told me he could cure Jalein of the addiction and bring their body back to health but couldn’t restore the amputated stinger. Kai-Wen also said that even after doing all of that I wouldn’t have Jalein back. Their mind was gone, broken in a way that couldn’t be fixed without turning Jalein into someone I wouldn’t know. Jalein wouldn’t know who I was or remember any of our family either.

Kai-Wen said the wounds to Jalein’s soul couldn’t be healed by him as that was outside the scope of his godhood. Only Rai-Sui was capable of healing a damaged soul. Sometimes even he couldn’t restore a soul if it was too far gone. To heal a soul, Rai-Sui would need to take it within himself. Kai-Wen said he didn’t know how long that would take but was sure that it would be more than a few days given Jalein’s poor condition. He said a body couldn’t survive without a soul for more than a few days and once the body died; there was nothing he could do as he could only heal the living. He couldn’t bring the dead back to life. No god could.

I cried silently at that, defeat weighing heavily on me. After everything I’d endured and lost I couldn’t even have my one remaining family member whole and healthy. Wae-Lan seemed surprised when Kai-Wen cured Jalein of the nifer addiction and restored their health. It was almost more heartbreaking to see Jalein look fine and healthy but know they were just a shell for a nearly dead soul that didn’t respond to anything.

I talked to Jalein for weeks, trying to get some kind of response, some spark of anything. There was nothing. They didn’t react to a single thing I said and didn’t utter a word. Unless I put the food in front of them and put the spoon in their hand, Jalein didn’t eat. The same thing went for drinking. Jalein didn’t even go to the bathroom on their own forcing me to diaper them like a babe.

Jalein was healthy and with constant care would probably live a long life. I didn’t think that was fair to the Jalein I knew. The Jalein I knew would hate the life they were currently living. The life I was forcing them to live because I selfishly didn’t want to lose the last family I had even though I knew in my heart of hearts that Jalein had been gone long before Wae-Lan took them from the brothel.

Wae-Lan asked Rau-Sui to come to his palace at my request. I asked Rai-Sui if Jalein’s soul was as damaged as Kai-Wen suspected it was and if anything could be done to fix it. Rai-Sui confirmed that it was very badly damaged and in order to fix it he would need to take it into himself. He said it would be a long process. Optimistically it would be at least two hundred years if Jalein’s soul cooperated and wanted to be healed. He said he thought it would take longer than that because of how the soul had been damaged.

It was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do but I asked Rai-Sui to take Jalein’s soul immediately so he could start the process of healing it. I said it wasn’t fair of me to keep them existing in the state they were in because I didn’t want to be alone. Jalein wasn’t in any pain but I was and I wouldn’t be able to let go of that while Jalein remained as they were.

Rai-Sui nodded and I watched as he gently lifted what looked like a tattered and worn grey rag from within Jalein chest. There was a soft sigh from the body on the bed and it stopped breathing. Jalein’s soul drifted towards Rai-Sui’s empty eye socket and flowed into it, disappearing quickly.

Rai-Sui told me he’d take good care of Jalein’s soul and make it whole again. He told me that they were at peace now and Jalein wanted Rai-Sui to thank me for letting them go. He said it took courage to make a hard decision like that but that I’d done the right thing for both Jalein and myself. He told me I wasn’t alone despite what it might feel like at the moment and then vanished.

The composure I’d viciously clung to slipped out of my grasp and I collapsed to my knees, sobbing at the heartbreak I’d caused myself even though I knew with absolute certainty that I’d done the right thing. Wae-Lan gathered me into his arms and brought me to the crest of a hill with a huge tree overlooking a gorgeous vista although the beauty of the view was lost on me at the moment. He sat at the base of the tree with me in his lap, dappled sunlight through the leaves painting us, and just held me tight while I cried for everything and everyone I’d lost.

I knew he could feel my exact pain and sorrow yet he did nothing to take either away. I would’ve been mad if he had even though it felt like the pain would never stop. I knew it would. No pain goes on forever. There is always a limit. Sometimes that limit is insanely high but it’s there. Instead Wae-Lan shared in my sorrow and pain, comforting me and helping me to feel less alone.

I woke up in Wae-Lan’s bed, snuggled in his arms. I had no memory of going from the hilltop to his bed but he was a god and moving from one place to another in less than the blink of an eye was very much a thing for him. I had no idea how long we’d sat under the tree but I thought it was a significant amount of time. My heart still ached but some of the fierceness had eased a little.

“Rai-Sui was right, Vasyl. You’re not alone. I’m right here and I’ll be here for you as long as you want me to be,” Wae-Lan said softly as he ran his fingers lightly over the segments of my tail in a soothing manner.

“I know you will be. You wouldn’t abandon an Agony or one of your faithful.”

“No, I wouldn’t and I’ll always be there for you as a god. But I meant on a personal level not as the god you’re Servant to. I’ve been courting you because there is the potential for a wonderful relationship between us, Vasyl. Fate has told me this. I didn’t want to tell you this before because I didn’t want you to feel like you had no choice. You do just as I do. I know us gods can be very intimidating to mortals so I wanted to move slowly to get you used to me. Fate apparently has other plans.

“I believe you’ll eventually be able to view me as both Wae-Lan, God of Pain and Sorrow that you’re Servant to as an Agony, and simply Wae-Lan, a person. You’re not quite there yet but you’re still relatively new to the whole close contact with the divine thing. Viewing a god as a person outside of their godhood doesn’t happen often with mortals but I’m confident it will with you. Not because of anything Fate said to me but because of the person I’ve come to know. You’re very strong in all the ways that really matter, Vasyl. If a god chooses a mortal, that mortal needs to be able to withstand the intensity of the god and there are precious few able to do that. I know you can.

“For the next little while I’m going to suspend your duties as an Agony. You’re not being punished in any way so don’t bother getting all offended. You’re not in the right frame of mind to be an Agony at the moment. You’ve had some very serious blows recently. You need time to deal with that and sort yourself out. I’ll help you however you need that is within my power. When I deem you fit for work I’ll send you back out as my Agony. This is not up for debate, Vasyl. That is my command as a god.”

Some incredibly stubborn part of me wanted to protest that I was fully capable of doing my job as an Agony but fortunately saner parts of my brain overruled that impulse and I just nodded agreement. I had been through a lot recently. I still felt raw emotionally and I knew that would take some time to soothe. I lost virtually all my remaining family, my children and my nest in one fell swoop. I hadn’t wielded any weapon or raised a single finger against Jalein but I’d technically killed them by asking Rai-Sui to take their soul when I knew their body wouldn’t survive without the soul. I had a lot weighing on me that I needed to deal with before I’d be in any shape to be an Agony.

“So the terminally stubborn can actually be reasonable. Huh. I suppose even a god can learn something new,” Wae-Lan teased gently.

I rolled my eyes at Wae-Lan and snuggled tighter to him. My heart still ached unbearably at the loss of... everything. I needed to think about what Wae-Lan told me about a relationship with him. Part of me was wildly excited but I also felt fragile inside and knew I needed time to sort through and deal with all the things that had happened recently.

“When you’re ready, tell me what you would like to do for Jalein’s body. I’ve asked Rai-Sui to prevent it from decaying, which he’s done. There’s no rush so take your time,” Wae-Lan said softly.

“Thank you. We burn our dead and scatter the ashes either over the water or let the winds take them over the mountains depending on what the person wanted. Jalein wanted theirs given to the wind.”

“Then that’s what’ll happen. My home is your home, Vasyl. Explore it as you wish. I will need to be away at times to perform my duties as a god but you only need to call to me and I’ll respond. You are not alone.”

I nodded against his neck but didn’t speak; sure I’d break down into great big noisy sobs. Wae-Lan started to tell me about some of the things he’d seen during his life, his voice low and soothing. I closed my eyes and listened as I let my pain and sorrow flow through me. I was safe and cared for and I most definitely wasn’t alone.

It took a good two months for me to feel somewhat normal. The sorrow was still there but it would be for a while. The loss I lived through was huge, upending my entire life. Wae-Lan was amazing. Fine, it was his job to as a god to deal with sorrow but it was more than that. He was just... a decent, caring person.

Through our conversations and regular interaction with him I was seeing him more and more as just a guy. A staggeringly powerful guy but a guy nonetheless. I saw him tired from the burdens of his work and sometimes angry because of the same thing. I saw him interact with other gods, which was wildly interesting and more than a little awe inspiring. I even caught him guiltily sneaking cookies shortly before supper one time. I watched him make the most amazing works of art with little more than paper, scissors and a mountain of patience. When I told him the picture he made was beautiful he blushed deeply and seemed tongue-tied from my simple compliment which was frankly adorable.

I was most definitely falling in love with Wae-Lan and it was him as a person that I found more attractive than the him that was a god. I hadn’t said anything yet to Wae-Lan about my feelings. They were too new to me and I needed to let them roll around inside me for a while before sharing them. I never expected to feel this way about him as an actual individual and not the god I’d first known.

Wae-Lan hadn’t told me he was in love with me. I knew he had a very strong attachment to me as a person but aside from that one conversation after Jalein passed, he hadn’t mentioned it again. I wasn’t sure but I thought it was because he was trying to let me set my own pace and not scare me off with the intensity and presence of a god. He could and did mute his godly aura around me but he was still a very intense person.

The sex between us was very, very good. I was willing to put it out there that it was the best I’d ever had. Whether pain was involved or not, it was so very satisfying. I got the sense that he was holding back in some way but I wasn’t sure how. When I asked him about it he smiled in a way that made my belly swoop in excitement for some reason and said I wasn’t ready yet to experience his full godhood. I was annoyed when he wouldn’t elaborate further but kind of excited, too.

“I have an assignment for you, Vasyl. It’s going to be a challenging one but I believe you’re up to the task. You will be removing several types of pain from this individual. He has suffered far longer than necessary and has resisted the pain being taken from him by other Agonies. You are gifted in that area and are just as stubborn as this man. I believe you’ll succeed where others failed.

“His name is Macian and he is a High Priest of Bao-Tein, Goddess of the Forge and Metalworking. Bao-Tein has asked me to help her Priest which is why I’m sending you to him. He was involved in an accident at the forge and blames himself for the accident and all the things associated with it. Take from him what isn’t his to hold onto, my beautiful Agony,” Wae-Lan said as he kissed me on the forehead.

Information about Macian, the accident and the pain he was feeling filled my head. I knew what I needed to take from him and I knew how tightly he was clinging to the pain. I wasn’t sure why he refused to let go of it but I’d find out. Wae-Lan stepped back and smiled at me. He gestured and I was clothed in something more appropriate to carry out my duties as an Agony than the ratty shirt and faded and slightly torn pants I’d thrown on earlier in the day. I’d also been bare foot and that wasn’t very professional looking either in my opinion.

I was suddenly standing in a dimly lit, sparse room. There was a faint smell of hot metal, grease and incense in the room. Against one wall was a rather long but narrow bed with a lumpy shape under blankets on it that was my target judging by the amount of pain radiating from it. This was going to be very challenging.

Good thing I lived for that sort of shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the read and I'd apologize for the sort of cliffie if I was actually sorry about it (I'm not because I'm evil that way). The novel with Vasyl/Wae-Lan/Macian, when I get around to writing it, will basically pick up from where this leaves off. I do apologize for no real sexy-fun-times scenes in this between Vasyl and Wae-Lan but it just didn't feel right to detail those here.
> 
> If you want to know how Macian ended up needing an Agony to wrestle his pain away from him, comment and ask to know and there's a good probability I'll write his backstory because inquiring minds and all that.


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